I'm a newbie here, I've surfed the web looking for answers. This could be long....sorry.
I put up with alot of ugly stuff over the 12 years my ex and I were married. He abused our son alot, many times we put ice packs on his butt because he beat it or busted his lip or left a hand mark on his cheek. He had his face flushed in the toilet by dad and his head slammed into the fridge door so hard it left dents. Some of this I found out when my son went into counseling, so I didn't know how bad it had gotten. It would happen sometimes when I was at work or on errands and my son never came to me and told me about the really bad stuff.
My ex was very aggressive with me too sexually, it was to the point I was ready to run away and not come back, but I wanted to be there for the kids. My ex wouldn't go to counseling as I begged him to.
Needless to say my ex was a control freak and still is. I had custody of both kids, until it got a point dad was saying things about me so bad the son started believing it. As it turned out in mediation, our son was saying bad things about me to dad and to me bad things about his dad to me, a ping pong effect. I doucmented everything my son said....apparently it didn't do any good...keep reading.....
The puzzling part is my son had a counselor, a shrink, school officials, our pastor, our neighbors,my parents,almost anyone who would listen to him, my fiance-husband now-- everyone convinced dad was doing and saying horrible things. I still to this day don't know what was so bad my son said about me, my ex never told me neither did it get posted in documents from his lawyer. His sister was the victim in all of this, because she got to hear him at both houses and felt loyalty to both her parents to not say what her brother was doing, but she did hear some things dad would say or do that were indeed true. like pulling off the side of the road and being demanded to tell them what was going on, carrying son in back room and demand to know what was going on, ect. My ex did get cleared of all the abuse charges, so there was no time limit spent apart from the kids.
Then my daughter was having attitude issues, so we had it out one day, she had been smart with me all day long, well when it came time to do some one on one disipline. I had worked with a christian counselor on a plan for disipline and when I'm showing my daughter chart, she went to what I'll just call a rage...she screamed, jumping on the bed, running here and there, throwing herself all over the place, slamming herself between the nightstand and dresser, almost like animal growling, screaming she hates me...it was ugly. So dad comes to get herlater in the evening and she had shorts on, it was like the end of school or maybe it was out, so her shins did look bad, really banged up from bike pedals, playground, and who knows, maybe some from the rage she went into also.
Well, needless to say, she got over there and told dad 'mommy did it....' all the bruises on her because she was pissed at me for disiplining her. So I get a call from CPS over that. I was floored....so my ex tried to prove me unfit and an abuser, when I could have called on him countless times, but istead begged him to change and stop this. CPS dropped it because they saw through it as an attack against me, I told them I documented the entire event, and the phone call from dad the morning after how he was threatening me.
So now I have the mediation and the CPS thing.....well, then after mediation, my son has to realize that the lawyers and dad and I agreed that if he is slamming dad, I'm to call him, and same at dad's house about me....good plan right?? Well, it wasn't 4 days after mediation and the new 'rule' and my son was slamming dad, and I warned him since it was so new and all that he is slamming dad and if he doesn't stop now, we are going to call dad.
Well, he goes off up the steps and goes into my room, into my bathroom and takes Tums and comes bragging about it.
Well, I did the mom thing and scolded him for taking something without my permission, I need to know what goes into your mouth besides food and drinks, not to mention the house rule for going in my room without permission, and he all of a sudden hates me too and wants to move out.
Now mind you this is the night before my wedding and he is to walk me down the aisle. He really liked my soon to be husband, they got along really well, he looked forward to him coming for dinner or an outing. He clung on him and same with daughter. They both seemed really excited over the wedding. Their dad got remarried 3 months later.
So dad comes and gets son and his stuff and away they go. Son doesn't participate in wedding, husband and his fiance at the time don't respect me enough to talk to son and try to convince him to come, just ugly. I'll hurt until the day I die for that one.
So all three of them have lashed out at me, and my nerves are shot. I'm afraid to be around any of them, I don't like being alone with the kids, I'm constantly recording every event, every thing said, everything.....they are raised one religion, me another now.
I have the daughter and my ex the son, so it should be I can raise her how I want, and he how he wants...but no, I'm still controlled, things are criticized that I do, even it is good and wholesome.
I just can't see the future, I can't see it. I'm afraid. My ex drove me out of my former neighborhood, everytime I looked around he was there, visiting my neighbors. They all chose to go caroling in my neighborhood when it was my ex's weekend and skipped my house and had drinks at another neighbor's house. Isn't there supposed to be divorce ettitquate and the one that left, just come get the kids and go? So I've lost all those friends, I left the former church, lost all of those friends too.
We have regular visitations, I dread them, and I dread summer vacation, I wish you could understand how it really is-it hurts to be around them. I know, forgiveness...yes, I got that, it is forgetting and having the fear it could happen all over again, what if they get a cut or a bruise and start it all over again. My ex is like a lion on the prowl, looking for me to mess up some how. I don't buy organic milk or all natural popcicles, according to the kids like their step mom does....so I'm a bad mommy. That stuff is expensive, what is wrong with regular milk?? The kids are the ones who wanted those particular popcicles in the first place when we went shopping.
What good am I? I get questioned on everything. This is why I'd like to know how I can procced with letting the kids go to him and allow the new step mom to adopt them. I know what it all means and am prepared for it. It is too confusing for the kids to bounce back and forth to 2 houses, 2 churches on different days, different disipline, rules. They don't understand the hurt that was done, I was prepared for it with my ex, but not the kids too. I'm not the mother I wanted to be, it hurts too bad, I'm a mom on guard constantly.... Any suggestions?? I'm sorry for going on and on, I just read a couple other threads where very little info was given on the same topic as I have, so it was kinda like bashing the parent with replies, when it is real, raw emotion they are feeling....I know the hurt and that it is real, just what can be done legally?? They don't need me...they have a dad and a 'mom', I'm nothing anymore.
I put up with alot of ugly stuff over the 12 years my ex and I were married. He abused our son alot, many times we put ice packs on his butt because he beat it or busted his lip or left a hand mark on his cheek. He had his face flushed in the toilet by dad and his head slammed into the fridge door so hard it left dents. Some of this I found out when my son went into counseling, so I didn't know how bad it had gotten. It would happen sometimes when I was at work or on errands and my son never came to me and told me about the really bad stuff.
My ex was very aggressive with me too sexually, it was to the point I was ready to run away and not come back, but I wanted to be there for the kids. My ex wouldn't go to counseling as I begged him to.
Needless to say my ex was a control freak and still is. I had custody of both kids, until it got a point dad was saying things about me so bad the son started believing it. As it turned out in mediation, our son was saying bad things about me to dad and to me bad things about his dad to me, a ping pong effect. I doucmented everything my son said....apparently it didn't do any good...keep reading.....
The puzzling part is my son had a counselor, a shrink, school officials, our pastor, our neighbors,my parents,almost anyone who would listen to him, my fiance-husband now-- everyone convinced dad was doing and saying horrible things. I still to this day don't know what was so bad my son said about me, my ex never told me neither did it get posted in documents from his lawyer. His sister was the victim in all of this, because she got to hear him at both houses and felt loyalty to both her parents to not say what her brother was doing, but she did hear some things dad would say or do that were indeed true. like pulling off the side of the road and being demanded to tell them what was going on, carrying son in back room and demand to know what was going on, ect. My ex did get cleared of all the abuse charges, so there was no time limit spent apart from the kids.
Then my daughter was having attitude issues, so we had it out one day, she had been smart with me all day long, well when it came time to do some one on one disipline. I had worked with a christian counselor on a plan for disipline and when I'm showing my daughter chart, she went to what I'll just call a rage...she screamed, jumping on the bed, running here and there, throwing herself all over the place, slamming herself between the nightstand and dresser, almost like animal growling, screaming she hates me...it was ugly. So dad comes to get herlater in the evening and she had shorts on, it was like the end of school or maybe it was out, so her shins did look bad, really banged up from bike pedals, playground, and who knows, maybe some from the rage she went into also.
Well, needless to say, she got over there and told dad 'mommy did it....' all the bruises on her because she was pissed at me for disiplining her. So I get a call from CPS over that. I was floored....so my ex tried to prove me unfit and an abuser, when I could have called on him countless times, but istead begged him to change and stop this. CPS dropped it because they saw through it as an attack against me, I told them I documented the entire event, and the phone call from dad the morning after how he was threatening me.
So now I have the mediation and the CPS thing.....well, then after mediation, my son has to realize that the lawyers and dad and I agreed that if he is slamming dad, I'm to call him, and same at dad's house about me....good plan right?? Well, it wasn't 4 days after mediation and the new 'rule' and my son was slamming dad, and I warned him since it was so new and all that he is slamming dad and if he doesn't stop now, we are going to call dad.
Well, he goes off up the steps and goes into my room, into my bathroom and takes Tums and comes bragging about it.
Well, I did the mom thing and scolded him for taking something without my permission, I need to know what goes into your mouth besides food and drinks, not to mention the house rule for going in my room without permission, and he all of a sudden hates me too and wants to move out.
Now mind you this is the night before my wedding and he is to walk me down the aisle. He really liked my soon to be husband, they got along really well, he looked forward to him coming for dinner or an outing. He clung on him and same with daughter. They both seemed really excited over the wedding. Their dad got remarried 3 months later.
So dad comes and gets son and his stuff and away they go. Son doesn't participate in wedding, husband and his fiance at the time don't respect me enough to talk to son and try to convince him to come, just ugly. I'll hurt until the day I die for that one.
So all three of them have lashed out at me, and my nerves are shot. I'm afraid to be around any of them, I don't like being alone with the kids, I'm constantly recording every event, every thing said, everything.....they are raised one religion, me another now.
I have the daughter and my ex the son, so it should be I can raise her how I want, and he how he wants...but no, I'm still controlled, things are criticized that I do, even it is good and wholesome.
I just can't see the future, I can't see it. I'm afraid. My ex drove me out of my former neighborhood, everytime I looked around he was there, visiting my neighbors. They all chose to go caroling in my neighborhood when it was my ex's weekend and skipped my house and had drinks at another neighbor's house. Isn't there supposed to be divorce ettitquate and the one that left, just come get the kids and go? So I've lost all those friends, I left the former church, lost all of those friends too.
We have regular visitations, I dread them, and I dread summer vacation, I wish you could understand how it really is-it hurts to be around them. I know, forgiveness...yes, I got that, it is forgetting and having the fear it could happen all over again, what if they get a cut or a bruise and start it all over again. My ex is like a lion on the prowl, looking for me to mess up some how. I don't buy organic milk or all natural popcicles, according to the kids like their step mom does....so I'm a bad mommy. That stuff is expensive, what is wrong with regular milk?? The kids are the ones who wanted those particular popcicles in the first place when we went shopping.
What good am I? I get questioned on everything. This is why I'd like to know how I can procced with letting the kids go to him and allow the new step mom to adopt them. I know what it all means and am prepared for it. It is too confusing for the kids to bounce back and forth to 2 houses, 2 churches on different days, different disipline, rules. They don't understand the hurt that was done, I was prepared for it with my ex, but not the kids too. I'm not the mother I wanted to be, it hurts too bad, I'm a mom on guard constantly.... Any suggestions?? I'm sorry for going on and on, I just read a couple other threads where very little info was given on the same topic as I have, so it was kinda like bashing the parent with replies, when it is real, raw emotion they are feeling....I know the hurt and that it is real, just what can be done legally?? They don't need me...they have a dad and a 'mom', I'm nothing anymore.
