LOL Court replies

[Betty3]

True court replies that court reporters heard where they could barely keep from laughing out loud.

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where are you, Kathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan!

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.

Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 18th.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.

Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Attorney: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what way does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
Witness: He's 20, much like your IQ.

Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you kidding me?

Attorney: She had 3 children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death..
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Take a guess.

Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or female?
Witness: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

Attorney: All of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral....

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Michael Wechsler]

Thanks... some of these are new. But the "I just lie there" one I actually heard - for real - from my friend who is an EMT. He responded to an emergency from a girl having massive stomach pains. He asked that question and it's the response he received. I remember that day well, many years ago, when he was relaying the story the evening after it happened... Well done!!

 

[adjusterjack]

There are also funny insurance claims. Here are some samples:

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

A lamp-post bumped into my car damaging it in two places.

I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.

I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road, causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof. (Apparently not a US claim.)

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo.

 

[paralegalstudent2019]

"(Expletive) you," Allen told the judge and then continued saying the same thing.

After Durham found Allen in contempt, Allen responded, "I don't care."

Durham then sentenced Allen to 20 days for contempt and said if he said anything else, he'd add another 20 days for everything else he said.

"(Expletive) you," Allen said.

"Forty days," Durham ordered.

"(Expletive) you again," Allen said.

"Sixty," said Durham.

"Go (expletive) yourself," Allen said.

"A year," Durham said.

"Your mama," Allen said.

"Ten years," Durham ordered.

"(expletive) my (expletive)," Allen replied.

"You know something, this is going to be an interesting trial," the judge said.

 

[adjusterjack]

The cow claim is still funny. Cracked me up all over again.

 

[justblue]

True court replies that court reporters heard where they could barely keep from laughing out loud.

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where are you, Kathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan!

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.

Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 18th.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.

Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Attorney: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what way does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
Witness: He's 20, much like your IQ.

Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you kidding me?

Attorney: She had 3 children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death..
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Take a guess.

Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or female?
Witness: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

Attorney: All of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral....

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Too funny!! My daughter and I just busted a gut laughing!!

 

[adjusterjack]

So the cops show up and the elderly wife says her husband was poisoned and died in the living room.

Cops go in and find the elderly man deceased on the couch. They notice a lot of face and neck bruises and scratches. They go back out to the wife sitting in a rocking chair and ask her if she knew what happened.

She replies that she does know.

"At first, he wouldn't take the poison"



Two fellows are standing in line waiting to meet St. Peter and pass through the pearly gates so they strike up a conversation. The first man asks the second, "So, how did you die?" The second man says, "I froze to death." "Wow", replied the first man, "that sounds like a horrible way to die."

"Well, it starts out kind of bad, feeling bitterly cold, shivering and quaking, fingers and toes in pain... but after a while you go numb and feel sleepy and then just sort of drift away. It's not all that bad, really. So, how is it that you died?"

"Oh, I had a heart attack. See, I was sure my wife was having an affair so I came home unexpectedly one afternoon. I went to the bedroom and found her sitting in the rocking chair knitting. I ran to the basement and frantically searched, but nobody was there. I ran full bore up to the second floor and searched but found no one there either. Just then I felt a gripping pain in my chest and then, well, that was it..."

The second man replied, "That, my friend, is the height of irony."

"What do you mean?", the man asked.

"Well, if you had just looked in the freezer we'd both still be alive."



How to Handle a Traffic Ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
OFFICER: May I see your driver's license?
DRIVER: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
OFFICER: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
DRIVER: It's not my car. I stole it.
OFFICER: This car is stolen?
DRIVER: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
OFFICER: There's a gun in the glove box?
DRIVER: Yes sir, that's where I put it after I shot the owner of this car and stuffed his body in the trunk.
OFFICER: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!
DRIVER: Yes sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation. The Captain slowly approached the driver...
CAPTAIN: Sir, can I see your license?
DRIVER: Sure, here it is. (It was valid).
CAPTAIN: Who's car is this?
DRIVER: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration card.
CAPTAIN: Could you slowly open the glove box so I can see if there's a gun in there?
DRIVER: Yes sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
CAPTAIN: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there was a body in it.
DRIVER: No problem.
The trunk is opened: no body.
CAPTAIN: I don't understand. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a body in the trunk.
DRIVER: Yeah, and I'll bet he told you that I was speeding, too.