jon_
New Member
A woman with a brain tumor was surprised when her doctor called her, and told her of a new, experimental brain transplant procedure. When she met with her doctor, he told her that she would require the transplant of one pound of brain. The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"
"What type?" the woman asked, "That makes a difference?"
"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, one-pound of brain from a surgeon costs $12,000, while you can get one-pound of brain from a nuclear physicist for $15,000, and so on. You will gain some of the qualities associated with the profession of the brain donor, so your choice can make a big difference."
"Can you give me one-pound of brain from a lawyer? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."
"Sure. Let's see. That's $250,000," the doctor replied.
"You're kidding me! That's outrageous," the woman gasped. "That's over forty times what a surgeon's brain costs."
"Actually, it is quite reasonable," the doctor replied. "Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?"
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A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
"That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
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The morning after a firm's senior partner passed away unexpectedly, the law firm receptionist answered the phone.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" the caller asked. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the caller.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the caller again.
"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead."
"I understand you perfectly," the caller sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
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A physician, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
The surgeon announced, "Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine."
The lawyer smirked, and said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"
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A paralegal, an associate and a partner of a large law firm are walking through a city park, when they spotted an antique oil lamp.
The paralegal picked it up, but both the associate and partner grabbed for it, arguing that they found it first. Their tussling had the effect of rubbing the lamp, and to their shock a Genie emerged in a great cloud of smoke.
The Genie announced, "In gratitude of your freeing me from the lamp, I grant you three wishes. As there are three of you, you each get one wish."
The paralegal blurts out, "I want to be in the Barbados, sipping cocktails with a gorgeous movie star." Poof! The paralegal was gone.
The associate, excited by the events, stammers, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! The associate was gone.
"You're last," the Genie says to the partner, "What is your wish?"
The partner replied, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
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You might be a lawyer if:
You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
Your other car is a BMW.
When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
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The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from one of the town's richest citizens, a very successful lawyer. A local volunteer was sent to solicit his donation. The volunteer approached the lawyer, commenting, "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you have never helped support our organization. Wouldn't it make you feel good to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer paused for a moment, then sternly stated, "Did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Surprised, the United Way volunteer mumbled, "Uh, no."
"Well then, did your research show that my brother is a disabled veteran? That he is blind? That he is confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The United Way representative tried to express sympathy, but the lawyer cut him off.
"Did your research tell you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident?" The lawyer's voice was loud and indignant. "Did it tell you that her husband's death left her penniless, with a mortgage and three small children who she can't afford to care for?"
The United Way representative felt embarrassed to have assumed that the man was selfish, and stammered apologetically, "I had no idea."
The lawyer sternly concluded, "And they are my family. My flesh and blood. If I don't give any money to any of them, why in the world should I give any to you?"
"What type?" the woman asked, "That makes a difference?"
"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, one-pound of brain from a surgeon costs $12,000, while you can get one-pound of brain from a nuclear physicist for $15,000, and so on. You will gain some of the qualities associated with the profession of the brain donor, so your choice can make a big difference."
"Can you give me one-pound of brain from a lawyer? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."
"Sure. Let's see. That's $250,000," the doctor replied.
"You're kidding me! That's outrageous," the woman gasped. "That's over forty times what a surgeon's brain costs."
"Actually, it is quite reasonable," the doctor replied. "Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?"
----------
A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
"That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
----------
The morning after a firm's senior partner passed away unexpectedly, the law firm receptionist answered the phone.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" the caller asked. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the caller.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the caller again.
"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead."
"I understand you perfectly," the caller sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
----------
A physician, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
The surgeon announced, "Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine."
The lawyer smirked, and said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"
----------
A paralegal, an associate and a partner of a large law firm are walking through a city park, when they spotted an antique oil lamp.
The paralegal picked it up, but both the associate and partner grabbed for it, arguing that they found it first. Their tussling had the effect of rubbing the lamp, and to their shock a Genie emerged in a great cloud of smoke.
The Genie announced, "In gratitude of your freeing me from the lamp, I grant you three wishes. As there are three of you, you each get one wish."
The paralegal blurts out, "I want to be in the Barbados, sipping cocktails with a gorgeous movie star." Poof! The paralegal was gone.
The associate, excited by the events, stammers, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! The associate was gone.
"You're last," the Genie says to the partner, "What is your wish?"
The partner replied, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
----------
You might be a lawyer if:
You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
Your other car is a BMW.
When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
----------
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from one of the town's richest citizens, a very successful lawyer. A local volunteer was sent to solicit his donation. The volunteer approached the lawyer, commenting, "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you have never helped support our organization. Wouldn't it make you feel good to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer paused for a moment, then sternly stated, "Did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Surprised, the United Way volunteer mumbled, "Uh, no."
"Well then, did your research show that my brother is a disabled veteran? That he is blind? That he is confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The United Way representative tried to express sympathy, but the lawyer cut him off.
"Did your research tell you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident?" The lawyer's voice was loud and indignant. "Did it tell you that her husband's death left her penniless, with a mortgage and three small children who she can't afford to care for?"
The United Way representative felt embarrassed to have assumed that the man was selfish, and stammered apologetically, "I had no idea."
The lawyer sternly concluded, "And they are my family. My flesh and blood. If I don't give any money to any of them, why in the world should I give any to you?"
