jon_
New Member
A second grade teacher asked her students what their parents did for a living. "Timmy, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Timmy stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor.
"That's wonderful," the teacher said, "and how about you, Annie?"
Annie shyly stood up, shuffled her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Annie. What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher, stunned, promptly changed the subject to spelling. Later that day she called Billy's house. Billy's father answered the phone. The teacher explained what his son had said, and asked why he would say such a horrible thing.
Billy's father explained, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
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After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort.
While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.
Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself."
"I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."
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A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight, doc. How long have I got?"
The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."
When his lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes.
When the man remained silent for several minutes, the lawyer asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
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A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.
Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.
"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.
"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a very well-dressed, middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on a huge stack of bright pink envelopes. Each envelope had hearts all over it.
The man then took out a perfume bottle and sprayed scent all over the envelopes.
His curiosity getting the better of him, the guy goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why would you want to do that?"
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.
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A lawyer, known more for his drinking at the bar than for his practice before it, died in poverty.
The other attorneys from the city, feeling sorry for his family, started a fund to cover his funeral expenses.
A local businessman was asked to make a contribution.
"Will you please donate a dollar, so we can bury a lawyer?"
"Only a dollar to bury a lawyer?" asked the businessman, "Here's $100 -- go and bury 99 more of them."
----------
A young lawyer, in the process of opening a new private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients.
Upon seeing a man enter the lobby of his office, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "Eight hundred thousand dollars? You're kidding me. You're going to have to do better than that. Our bottom line for settlement is a million. Don't waste my time with anything less."
Slamming down the phone, he then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."
----------
A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back.
He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"
"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Timmy stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor.
"That's wonderful," the teacher said, "and how about you, Annie?"
Annie shyly stood up, shuffled her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Annie. What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher, stunned, promptly changed the subject to spelling. Later that day she called Billy's house. Billy's father answered the phone. The teacher explained what his son had said, and asked why he would say such a horrible thing.
Billy's father explained, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
----------
After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort.
While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.
Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself."
"I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."
----------
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight, doc. How long have I got?"
The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."
When his lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes.
When the man remained silent for several minutes, the lawyer asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
----------
A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.
Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.
"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.
"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"
----------
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a very well-dressed, middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on a huge stack of bright pink envelopes. Each envelope had hearts all over it.
The man then took out a perfume bottle and sprayed scent all over the envelopes.
His curiosity getting the better of him, the guy goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why would you want to do that?"
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.
----------
A lawyer, known more for his drinking at the bar than for his practice before it, died in poverty.
The other attorneys from the city, feeling sorry for his family, started a fund to cover his funeral expenses.
A local businessman was asked to make a contribution.
"Will you please donate a dollar, so we can bury a lawyer?"
"Only a dollar to bury a lawyer?" asked the businessman, "Here's $100 -- go and bury 99 more of them."
----------
A young lawyer, in the process of opening a new private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients.
Upon seeing a man enter the lobby of his office, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "Eight hundred thousand dollars? You're kidding me. You're going to have to do better than that. Our bottom line for settlement is a million. Don't waste my time with anything less."
Slamming down the phone, he then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."
----------
A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back.
He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"
"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
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