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Lawyer Jokes Set 6

Discussion in 'Lawyer Jokes, Stories' started by jon_, Aug 20, 2006.

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  1. jon_

    jon_ Law Topic Starter New Member

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    Satan was complaining bitterly to God:

    "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm not perfect, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

    And so God created lawyers.

    ----------

    A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.

    After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move.

    The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced, "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."

    But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said, "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now."

    Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it -- if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town.

    "What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

    The lawyer answered, "He said 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"

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    Three lawyers and three MBA's are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the MBA's each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket

    "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA.

    "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the lawyers.

    They all board the train. The MBA's take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

    The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

    The MBA's discussed this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the MBA's decide to copy the lawyers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the lawyers don't buy any tickets at all.

    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed MBA.

    "Watch and you'll see," answers a lawyer.

    When they board the train the three MBA's cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the MBA's are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

    ----------

    A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and grumbled, "I hate it when people seek free advice from me at parties."

    The lawyer replied, "I know just what you mean. It happens to me all the time."

    "How do you handle it," asked the doctor. "It seems rude not to answer a question when you are asked for advice during a social function."

    "I just send the person a bill for your time" replied the lawyer.

    "That's good," said the doctor. "I'll have to remember that."

    The doctor went home and thought about writing a bill to the man who asked about the ulcer, but when he woke up the next day it had already slipped his mind. The night's events came rushing back to him the next day, however, when he opened his mail. In it, he found a bill for $100 from the lawyer for "consultation services rendered."

    ----------

    An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

    At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."

    "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."

    The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."

    ----------

    A young man, shipwrecked on a small, deserted island, found an old oil lamp sticking out of the sand. He picked it up, and looked at it, thinking, "Wouldn't it be cool if there were a Genie in here?" He knew that Genies did not exist, but figured he had nothing to lose, so he dutifully polished the lamp.

    To his amazement, an enormous Genie emerged from the lamp in a cloud of smoke. The Genie announced, "Thank you for freeing me from the lamp. In accord with the customs and principles of my profession, you are entitled to precisely three wishes. Wishes will be granted in accord with the laws of the State of California, and any claims, disputes, or disagreements relating to the wishes shall be resolved by binding arbitration applying California laws."

    "That's weird," said the man, "I never thought a Genie would sound so much like a lawyer."

    "But I am a lawyer," replied the Genie, "I am both a lawyer and a Genie. You should be aware that, for every wish you make, I will not only grant your wish but will grant every attorney in the world double what you wish for."

    The man didn't care much for attorneys, and he wasn't sure what to make of the Genie, but what was the worst that could happen? He decided to take the Genie's offer, and make his wishes.

    "I wish for fifty million dollars," he said. As money poured down around him, the Genie reminded him that every attorney in the world had just received one hundred million dollars.

    "My second wish is for a luxurious mansion, more stunning than Versailles, fully staffed and furnished with fine antiques." The ground rumbled, and a mansion slowly rose from the earth. It was astonishingly beautiful. A butler approached him with a tray of fine food. He ate hungrily, thinking, "It really can't get any better than this."

    But then the Genie reminded him, "Every attorney in the world just received a mansion twice as nice as this one."

    The man thought carefully about his last wish. He appreciated what the Genie had done for him, but it burned him to think that the attorney who had botched his divorce case had fared even better. And there was the attorney who had stolen from his mother's estate. And wasn't the President an attorney? The man shuddered, realizing what people like that could do with this kind of wealth and the power it could bring. And it was then that he made his final wish.

    "I really want to give something back to society," the man said. "I wish to donate one of my kidneys for transplant."

    ----------

    After drafting a will for an elderly client, the attorney announced a fee of $100.

    The client gave the attorney a $100 bill.

    After the client left, the attorney saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.

    Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

    ----------

    A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the lawyer. He was escorted into the lawyer's office.

    The man needed legal help, but he knew how expensive lawyers could be, so he inquired, "Can you tell me how much you charge?"

    "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $500 to answer three questions."

    "Don't you think that's an awful lot of money to answer three questions?"

    "Yes it is", answered the lawyer, "What's your third question?"
     

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