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Lawyer Jokes Set 5

Discussion in 'Lawyer Jokes, Stories' started by jon_, Aug 20, 2006.

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  1. jon_

    jon_ Law Topic Starter New Member

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    A lawyer, named Thomas Strange, was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

    "Here lies Thomas Strange, an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

    "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave, and the authorities would be confused. However, I could put 'Here lies an honest lawyer.'"

    "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.

    "Sure they will," replied the stonecutter. "Everyone who reads it will think, 'That's Strange!'"

    ----------

    A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven, they approached St. Peter. "My fiance and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"

    St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again."

    Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached St. Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer."

    Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the couple. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."

    The couple got married.

    Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven. St. Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

    ----------

    A prominent young attorney died on his way to court, and found himself before the gates of Heaven. When he arrived, a chorus of angels appeared, singing in his honor. St. Peter himself came out to shake his hand. "Mr Jones," said St. Peter, "it is a great honor to have you here at last. You are the first being to break Methuselah's record for longevity. You have lived 1028 years."

    "What are you talking about?" asked the attorney. "I'm 46."

    "46? But aren't you Steven Jones? The lawyer from Brooklyn"

    "Yes," the attorney answered.

    "Let me check the records," said St Peter. He slapped his hand against his forehead. "Oh, how silly of us. Now I see the mistake! We accidentally calcluated your age by adding up the hours you billed to your clients!"

    ----------

    A lawyer stood at the gate to Heaven. St. Peter was patiently explaining that the man's sins were far too many and serious to allow for admission into heaven.

    "Sir, surely you don't deny that you routinely overcharged your clients. That you cheated on your wife with your law clerks and associates -- and that you used your position as a partner to pressure those clerks and associates into becoming involved with you. Surely you don't deny that you deliberately took false positions in court in order to win cases, where any sense of ethics would have caused you to settle. And there's so much more here, why surely...."

    The lawyer interrupted, "Yes, yes, I know all of that. But I've done some charity in my life as well."

    St. Peter looked in his book and noted,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"

    The lawyer looked smug. He replied, "Yes."

    St. Peter turned to the angel next to him and said, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."

    ----------

    After a long life, dutifully serving his parishioners, the elderly priest died. He found himself in Heaven, where he was warmly greeted by St. Peter. "Welcome," St. Peter said, "You have lived a good life. Let me take you to your quarters, and then I'll show you around Heaven."

    St. Peter took the man to a rather plain building, and escorted him to a small room. The room was humbly furnished, but was functional. The priest was a bit surprised, having expected Heaven to be a bit more extravagent, but he was happy to be there.

    They then began their tour of Heaven, and it was absolutely beautiful. The priest felt silly for his initial resentment over his room.

    Finally, they came upon an enormous mansion. A butler opened the door to the mansion and a man came out, dressed to the nines, and proceeded down a long walkway to the front gate, as servants rolled a red carpet before him. When he reached the gate, a chauffeured limousine pulled up, and the man got in. It drove off.

    "Was that God," the priest asked, stunned by the display.

    "Oh heavens no," replied St. Peter. "That was a lawyer."

    "I don't want to seem ungrateful, but can you answer a question for me?" The priest continued, "I spent my entire life devoted to my parishioners, and teaching the gospel, and I have very humble quarters in Heaven. I just don't understand what that lawyer did, which would merit such a beautiful mansion."

    "It isn't what he did," St. Peter replied. "You see, we have thousands upon thousands of priests up here. But he's our first lawyer."

    ----------

    Three people arrive at the gates of heaven and St. Peter greeted them. "Welcome to Heaven. We have simplified the process of admission, and all you need to do to get into Heaven is pass a simple test. Are you ready?"

    The first person said, "I've prepared for this moment for 73 years."

    "Okay," said St. Peter, "spell 'God'."

    "G-O-D."

    "Very good, enter your eternal reward."

    "That was easier than I thought it would be," the second person said, "I'll take my test now."

    "Okay," said St. Peter, "spell 'love'."

    "L-O-V-E."

    "Excellent, enter your eternal reward."

    The third person, a lawyer, said, "Boy, is this is gonna be a snap. Give me my test."

    "Okay," said St. Peter, "spell 'prorhipidoglossomorpha'."
     

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