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Lawyer Jokes Set 4

Discussion in 'Lawyer Jokes, Stories' started by jon_, Aug 20, 2006.

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  1. jon_

    jon_ Law Topic Starter New Member

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    Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters?

    He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer.

    To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore.

    When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."

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    Two lawyers walking through the woods attracted the attention of a vicious-looking bear. The bear noticed them, and started to walk toward them.

    The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulling out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

    "Oh, I know that. Bears are much faster than humans. I have no hope of ever being able to outrun a bear."

    "If you know that, why are you changing shoes?"

    "Well, the way I figure it," the first lawyer replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."

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    Two animals meet in the woods, both blind since birth. Neither one knows what kind of animal it is, so they decide to feel each other to try to figure it out.

    "What do I feel like," the first animal asked. "You have soft fur all over you, strong back legs, big back feet, a puffy little cotton tail, two long ears, and a twitchy little nose." The first animal, full of joy, exclaimed, "I know what I am! I'm a bunny rabbit."

    "Now it's my turn," said the second animal. The bunny felt him, describing, "You're very long, narrow, and low to the ground. You're cold, and slimy. You have long, sharp fangs and a little forked tongue that keeps darting out of your mouth."

    "Damn," sobbed the second animal. "I'm a lawyer."

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    George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."

    George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.

    When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."

    George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".

    The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

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    Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).

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    You May Need A New Lawyer If:

    Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.

    When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.

    Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

    Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.

    A prison guard is shaving your head.

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    A businessman was trying to choose a lawyer, but was being very careful about it. He scheduled appointments to interview three lawyers.

    At the first lawyer's office, after an initial exchange of pleasantries, the businessman said, "Okay, let's get down to business. I have an important question for you, and I want you to think carefully before answering. How much is two plus two?"

    The lawyer raised his eyebrows. "two plus two is four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.

    The second lawyer, who was also a CPA, seemed a bit more particular than the first lawyer. After an initial discussion, the businessman again announced that he had a very important question, and asked, "How much is two plus two?"

    The second lawyer went over to a computer, and entered figures into a spreadsheet. "According to my calculations, two plus two is approximately four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.

    The third lawyer sat behind a big mahogany desk, and smoked a cigar. He seemed rather self-important as compared to the other two, but at the same time appeared to be much more successful. The businessman again announced, "I would like you to answer a very important question for me, before I decide whether I should use your services. How much is two plus two?"

    The lawyer pulled the shades, locked the door to his office, and asked in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

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    A doctor had just bought a villa on the French Riviera, when met an old lawyer friend whom he hadn't seen in years, and they started talking. The lawyer, as it turned out, owned a nearby villa. They discussed how they came to retire to the Riviera.

    "Remember that lousy office complex I bought?" asked the lawyer, "Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

    The doctor replied, "Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It's amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way."

    "It sure is," the lawyer replied, looking puzzled, "but I'm confused about one thing - how do you start a flood?"
     

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