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Lawyer Jokes Set 3

Discussion in 'Lawyer Jokes, Stories' started by jon_, Aug 20, 2006.

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  1. jon_

    jon_ Law Topic Starter New Member

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    Washington State Attorney Season And Bag Limits
    Section 1400.01 - General

    Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

    Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.

    Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

    It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

    It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "open bar" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

    It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of Cadillac dealerships.

    It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, currency, or staged vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

    It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.

    If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

    Harvested attorneys must have a state health department inspection for distemper and rabies prior to being stuffed or mounted.

    It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as an accident victim, young law clerk, drug dealer, bookie, or sheep for the purpose of attracting and hunting attorneys.

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    Chicago sent its police chief, fire chief, and city attorney to a municipal management conference in Indiana. While driving through a rural area, their car broke down, and they sought assistance at a nearby farmhouse.

    The farmer told them that the local garage was closed, and that they were welcome to spend the night, but that he only had one spare bed. He told them that somebody could sleep on his couch, but that one of them would have to spend the night in his barn.

    The police chief announced that he would volunteer to sleep in the barn. A short time later there was a knock at the door. It was the police chief, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, and they reminded him of insults that had been yelled at him, and he was too disturbed to sleep.

    The fire chief stated that he would trade with the police chief, and went out to the barn. A short time later, again there was rapping at the door. It was the fire chief, who complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow, that started the great Chicago fire. He had tried to sleep, but kept having nightmares where they were kicking over lanterns and setting the barn ablaze.

    The city attorney declared, "You two are such babies. I will go sleep in the barn." Everything seemed fine, until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, they found the very indignant cows and pigs.

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    A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

    The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it."


    The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

    The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you."

    The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule."

    The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?"

    The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

    The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.

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    The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced a new standard for medical testing.

    Testing on rats will be terminated, and in the future live animal testing will be performed using lawyers. The NIH presented the following explanation for its decision:

    Some lab assistants were becoming quite attached to their rats, and it was important to find an alternative which would not inspire emotional involvment.

    The population of attorneys grows at a faster rate than the population of rats.

    Lawyers contribute less to society, and thus are more expendable than rats.

    Animal rights societies do not oppose experimentation on lawyers.

    There are some things even a rat won't do.

    The NIH is trying to resolve concerns raised by this change, that using lawyers for testing may render it more difficult to extrapolate test results to human beings.

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    Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.

    About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.

    Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"

    The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
     

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