Lawyer Jokes Set 11

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jon_

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Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?

No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.


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Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?

You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.


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Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?

They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

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"I hear you lost your court case. Did your lawyer give you bad advice?"

"No. He charged me for it."

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There are two kinds of lawyers -- those who know the law and those who know the judge.

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Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig is at home in the mud.

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Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970.

Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as efficient and half as expensive every 18 months.

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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

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One juror overheard saying to another..."You'll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!"

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If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?

That might be your bicycle.

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How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?

Depends on how thin you slice them.

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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer #1: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Answer #2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb... to his.

Answer #3: How many can you afford?

Answer #4: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant.
 
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