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One can only hope they get shanked while in prison. Death is the only appropriate punishment for people who sexually abuse children.

A phone call to the veterinarian: "My mother-in-law will be coming to you soon with her old female dog. Unfortunately, it looks like she will have to be put down due to very poor health conditions in recent days. Can you do something that she doesn't suffer, and dies peacefully?"...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and...

A man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin." "But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed." "I admit that...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bar keep says "you're in here pretty often, do you think you're an alcoholic?" The horse replies "no I don't think I am..." and vanishes out of existence. The joke involves Descartes' famous quip "I think therefore I am" but to explain that at...

An apple pie in the U.S. Virgin Islands is $8. A cherry pie in Jamaica is $6. A peach pie in Barbados is $4.50. Just thought you'd like to know the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

The chief commissioner gathers the three remaining candidates and presents them with the final test. They must look at a suspect's mugshot for just a few seconds and then explain how they would recognize that suspect in a crowd. The first candidate comes in, the commissioner shows him the...

Once upon a time, there was a special land where the people were called "Trids". The Trids lived happily and peacefully for many years, until an evil giant came among them. This giant was not your normal evil giant. He took extreme pleasure in kicking the Trids whenever he saw them. The Trids...

An unemployed actor is desperate for work, so he takes a job at the local zoo. The zoo's star attraction, the gorilla, has died, and they need someone to wear a realistic gorilla suit and pretend to be the animal until they can get a replacement. The actor gets into the suit and discovers he's...

There's a joke forum on Reddit. I'm picking out good ones to post here. A father is listening to his young daughter say her bedtime prayers. She says, "God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma… and goodbye, Grandpa"... The father looks startled. "Why did you say goodbye to...

A woman Goes to buy parrot…the prices are $100 , $200 and $15…she asks why the last one is cheap? "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Hey, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says...

About the same number of times during basic that my DIs got my name wrong.

Today, at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon...

I wouldn't count on it. However, the report (if taken) will be available at some point. Stop kvetching about "what ifs." First, get an estimate for the damage repair. Compare it to your deductible. Then decide if it's more than you can handle. Then request the police report. Apparently, you...

Making any resolutions?

She's baaack.