what to do if mom doesn't show for custody hearing?

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asm2005

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We live in VA

My husband has filed for custody of his ten year old daughter. Him and her mother were never married and have never had any papers drawn up. We filed for custody when we found out from the daughter that her mother planned on taking her to another state the next time we dropped her off to see her. Her mother moves from place to place so we sent the papers to the address we last dropped the daughter off at. We do not believe she received the papers even though they were sent certified mail, she has not said anything to us or her daughter about receiving them. My husband is going to the clerk of court tomorrow to see if they received a signed return card or the mailing sent back, they said they could tell him. We do not want to get a lawyer if she isn't going to show up because that would be $1,000 up front wasted and that we really don't have.
What happens if we show up and she doesn't? The daughter has not lived with her mother since she was two and has lived with my husband's mother( her grandmother) because he is in the Navy until she was 7 and then moved in with us and has been with us for about three years now.
We did consult a lawyer and he said if she doesn't show up we will basically get what we want. She has talked to her daughter since we sent the papers though and we have not said anything to her about filing for custody we just assumed that she would get the papers but she may not live at the same house anymore since she moves frequently.
The mother has never been denied seeing her daughter she gets her usually for a night on the weekend, of course only when it is convienent for her, which is about every couple months. We do not allow her to stay much longer because since she moves a lot we do not know who she is living with and it is always in some beat down neighborhood except for in the summer she has her for a week. But again, there has never been any paperwork establishing custody the mother has just never been able to provide a stable home or keep a stable job so it was best that the daughter not live with her.
So, my questions are:
1) Are we wrong for not telling her mother we were filing custody and to be on the lookout for the papers at her last known residence to us? Will the judge ask us why we didn't tell her they were coming to that address?
2) What happens if she does not show b/c she didn't get the papers and we do not have a lawyer, can we ask the judge for custody of the child? My husband is in the Navy and just in case he is out to sea I need to have some right to make decisions for her in an emergency.
3) I've heard they have three times to miss the court date before you get custody granted but we are not dropping her off with her mother until some type of custody is established, is this true?
4) Without a lawyer can we make a custody deal with the judge without her mother there?

Any help is greatly appreciated!
 
If I were you, I'd quickly lose the mentality that there is a WE. That could harm your husband's case. YOU are a legal stranger to this case no matter how long you've been involved in the child's life. You do not allow anything to happen regarding your husband's child and the child's mother...you do not make a custody deal with the judge. This is a matter between your husband and the child's mother. If I were you, I'd stay out of this and just be supportive.
I expect the seniors on this forum to tell you the exact same thing...
 
stay out of it

If I were you, I'd quickly lose the mentality that there is a WE. That could harm your husband's case. YOU are a legal stranger to this case no matter how long you've been involved in the child's life. You do not allow anything to happen regarding your husband's child and the child's mother...you do not make a custody deal with the judge. This is a matter between your husband and the child's mother. If I were you, I'd stay out of this and just be supportive.
I expect the seniors on this forum to tell you the exact same thing...

correct. you have no rights say or standing when it comes to your husband's child. you are not mom. and itll do your husband more harm then good to get involved. jduges dont like overstepping overinvolved stepparents who dont know their place.any matter concerning your stepdaughter is legally none of your business
 
correct. you have no rights say or standing when it comes to your husband's child. you are not mom. and itll do your husband more harm then good to get involved. jduges dont like overstepping overinvolved stepparents who dont know their place.any matter concerning your stepdaughter is legally none of your business

How many times have you been told not to post to dead threads? 100? 200?
 
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