Is this harassment?

[HappyBunny]

I'm a white male at a technology company. I noticed that an Indian lady on my team was having problems with a project she was working on. I offered to go out of my way to assist her in completing her task, and did so. Later that week, I got an email from my supervisor saying that he really appreciated me helping her, even though it was not part of my job description, and pointed out that she seems to not always ask for help when she probably needs it. I responded and said that the "not asking for help thing" was a common thing that I've experienced from many Indian women I've worked with in the past, and said you often get the none committal "head bobble" response when you ask if they understand something.

My supervisor sent that email to HR. HR then claimed that was a derogatory comment based on race and suspended me without pay for 5 days. No warning.

What I did did not discriminate. It caused no harm. I didn't even see it as derogatory. I would not have gone out of my way to even help this lady if I was not aware that, from a cultural standpoint, it is common for Indian women to feel uncomfortable asking for assistance.

What DID do harm was the 5 days without pay. After taxes, child support, and alimony, my net is VERY small. I make a six figure income, but have to live meagerly in a leaky 30 year old travel trailer just to survive on my $12/hr take-home. As a result of my suspension, I will not be able to make my child support payment, which may result in legal action. The child support and alimony I pay to my ex-wife is 95% of her income. The three of them will suffer for this. She will incur a HUGE penalty for being late on her rent. I also have been providing financial assistance to my fiance and her daughter in Portugal, where it is impossible to find work. I will be unable to do that now for about 2 months, and they will have to try to survive on rice & beans and the goodwill of their landlord to not be thrown out until I can get caught up again. After all my housing, utility, and gas expenses, I will be left trying to survive on about $7 a day for the next 2.5 months. I normally can go and pick up my kids for the weekend every other week. They live a couple hours away. It costs me about $100 in gas to pick them up and take them home. I now won't be able to see my kids for 2 months.

These guys are obsessed with going IPO, and will become rich because of it. They see my comment as a potential threat to their wealth.

I know this is morally wrong, but is what they are doing legally wrong as well? If so, and I find work elsewhere, now that I seem to have a target on me, I may consider filing a suit against them. I'm tired of getting stepped on for stupid stuff.

-HappyBunny

 

[cbg]

They did nothing illegal, and opinions may vary as to whether they did anything morally wrong, either. Nowhere is it written that an action has to cause harm before it can be addressed.

It would be very, very easy for your comment to be interpreted as discriminatory, whether you intended it as such or not. Any time you group all members of a culture or nation or gender together and assign them a trait based on that, it's going to raise great big red flags with those whose job it is to see that there is no illegal discrimination in the workplace. And what you need to be aware of is that when it comes to a company being held liable for discrimination, it is not the intent of the alleged discriminator/harasser, but the perception of the alleged victim, that matters. Had the Indian woman, or someone else for that matter, heard or read your comment and was offended, the company could be liable for discrimination even if that was not your intent.

Continue to offer help when needed, keep comments and opinions about racial, national or gender-linked traits to yourself EVEN IF ACCURATE, and forget about any lawsuits. You won't win.

 

[Proserpina]

Oh my goodness.

ditto cbg.

But I'm going to address the financial side of things, too.

You have absolutely no obligation to support your fiancee and her child. You DO have an obligation to support your child (and apparently you Ex, too). Your priorities seem a bit mixed up and you seriously need to take a look at your budget.

 

[Betty3]

I have to agree that helping was fine but not the comments in your e-mail. The suspension was legal even if it was without warning.

 

[HappyBunny]

Thank you for the honest assessment cbg. Your thoughts are welcome and not all that surprising regarding the law. I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut at the office and make a point not to voluntarily interact with any protected classes of people again. It just isn't worth the risk.

You have absolutely no obligation to support your fiancee and her child. You DO have an obligation to support your child (and apparently you Ex, too). Your priorities seem a bit mixed up and you seriously need to take a look at your budget.

Where did I say that my ex-wife and children were not my first priority? ... and beyond my legal obligations, what I choose to do with my money after I pay my already extremely low expenses is my business. The only thing I said about my budget was that I help my fiance and her daughter, and the level of my expenses ought to be gleaned from what I said about living in a 30 year old travel trailer. The only next step down regarding "a look at [my] budget" is to be homeless.

Some people give what they feel they can to a church. I choose to try to help the people I love that are in desperate need of it.

-HappyBunny

 

[cbg]

Bunny, every single person who walks the face of the earth is a member of a minimum of three so-called "protected classes" - we all have a race, we all have a gender, and we all have a national origin. No given race or national origin - or gender, for that matter - has more protections than the other. That's precisely the point. YOU, not your employer, made comments that appeared to single her out based on her national origin and gender. They called you on it. That is not only their right, it is their obligation. Her gender and her national origin are supposed to be neutral in the workplace. Think of all your co-workers without labeling them with race- or national origin- or gender-links traits and you'll be fine. No need to stop interaction; just stop with the labels.

 

[ElleMD]

There is no need to ignore a coworker in need and in fact that can also get you in hot water. What you do need to do is to keep your generalizations about their gender, race, religion, etc. to yourself. To say that Sally is often reluctant to ask for help is one thing. To assign the traits Sally exhibits to an entire race and gender is quite another. Helping was not a problem. Generalizing about traits by race and gender are. There was just no need to share your observations or speculate as to why Sally didn't seek out help.

As for your finances, that is totally on you. It is not your employer's business what you do with your money, nor is it their concern. They can not and should not make disciplinary and business decisions based on your personal financial obligations and choices.

 

[army judge]

HappyBunny:

Its always the right thing to help others. I applaud your efforts in helping a colleague. You did so NOT at your detriment, or the company's. Your supervisor acknowledged your kindness, and then someone in HR took a couple of words to mean something you never said. If you felt that way about ANY particular people, you would have giggled, laughed, and smirked as the woman struggled. You didn't, because you chose to help.

You chose to reach out to her, a colleague, and offer help. That saved your employer money, her trouble, and cost you five days pay, eventually. I've learned many things in my life. One of the most important things is, LESS IS MORE. Another is, THANK YOU is often enough, and no further explanation is required. Now, you KNOW that, too.

All I can say, is the less said these days, the better. Look at Donald Sterling, (owner of the LA Clippers) who thought he was talking to a friend. These days, I don't care who hears what I say. When I had to care, I always censored myself. As the fictional Archie Bunker said to his fictional wife, Edith, "Stifle yourself Edith!", I used to say to ME. ("Stifle yourself DUMMY!". (LOL)

My dad was one of the two smartest men I've ever known. Dad used to say whenever he was punishing my siblings and me, "Think whatever you want to think, but you'd better not say it." I asked him about that one day, and he said it applies to everything in life. He said, if telling a white lie (you look nice today, that shirt looks great on you) makes you uncomfortable, simply say, "I never comment on other peoples' appearances." Or, simply say, "No comment", "Not my place to say", etc...

All I can say, is thank you for caring. Don't stop helping, if you want to help, just stop commenting. If someone one compliments me, I say, "thank you", "How nice of you to notice", "No problem, my pleasure". Less is always enough, and sometimes its more than ENOUGH.

Next time, if there is a next time, simply say, "Thank you, I was happy to help."

 

[Proserpina]

Thank you for the honest assessment cbg. Your thoughts are welcome and not all that surprising regarding the law. I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut at the office and make a point not to voluntarily interact with any protected classes of people again. It just isn't worth the risk.



Where did I say that my ex-wife and children were not my first priority? ... and beyond my legal obligations, what I choose to do with my money after I pay my already extremely low expenses is my business. The only thing I said about my budget was that I help my fiance and her daughter, and the level of my expenses ought to be gleaned from what I said about living in a 30 year old travel trailer. The only next step down regarding "a look at [my] budget" is to be homeless.

Some people give what they feel they can to a church. I choose to try to help the people I love that are in desperate need of it.

-HappyBunny

Sigh. Bunny, you raised the issue of your financial situation - more than once. You said that your ex and children would suffer because of your financial obligations.

After taxes, child support, and alimony, my net is VERY small. I make a six figure income, but have to live meagerly in a leaky 30 year old travel trailer just to survive on my $12/hr take-home. As a result of my suspension, I will not be able to make my child support payment, which may result in legal action. The child support and alimony I pay to my ex-wife is 95% of her income. The three of them will suffer for this. She will incur a HUGE penalty for being late on her rent. I also have been providing financial assistance to my fiance and her daughter in Portugal, where it is impossible to find work. I will be unable to do that now for about 2 months, and they will have to try to survive on rice & beans and the goodwill of their landlord to not be thrown out until I can get caught up again. After all my housing, utility, and gas expenses, I will be left trying to survive on about $7 a day for the next 2.5 months. I normally can go and pick up my kids for the weekend every other week. They live a couple hours away. It costs me about $100 in gas to pick them up and take them home. I now won't be able to see my kids for 2 months.

I promise I will not, in the future, respond what you said rather than what you mean.