Ex Boyfriend will not leave my house

[Heather Lindsay]

Jurisdiction

New York

Last week, a guy I was dating convinced me to let him move in, in exchange to help me with home repairs. He gave me $100, but then took $70 of it back without my consent. After less than a week living there and being disrespectful to me daily, I had told him this wasn't working out, and I wanted him to move out. He refused so much that he had a police officer come to my house and force me to let him live there because there was an exchange of money. NY state law tells me I have to present him with a 30 day notice. When I did, he ripped it up in front of me. He has also informed me once the 30 days is up, he will take me to court so he can continue to live there. Last night, he secretly started recording me. He provoked me while putting on a victim act for blackmail. Form what I understand, you can't video record in a home unless the home owner agrees. I don't know about the provoking to get a reaction for blackmail. I explained to him that I have provided him a bed, towels, blankets, etc. so maybe he should stop acting so badly toward me. I asked him to be mature about the situation and to leave his ex-girlfriend's house because he is no longer welcome. He proceeded to give me a silent treatment. I ask if he has even looked for another place to live a few times, and it was either more silence or none of my business. Everything he uses belongs to me. He has nothing of his besides clothes in the house. I am only required to supply a room and allow access to the bathroom correct? Can I restrict him to that room and not allow him to touch my property? I specifically asked him not to come in my bedroom, and he did twice after midnight and laid down to "talk." I reminded him he was not allowed there, he did not leave for 2 hours the first time. His talk was him telling me he's done nothing wrong, to include the social media posts tagging himself at my house talking poorly about me, which I had asked for him to delete. 3 days ago, while I was in bed, he came in and proceeded to touch me unwantedly for hours. I repeatedly asked him to stop, and eventually did when he didn't get what he wanted, which led to the usual silent treatment. He hasn't touched me since, but we have been on and off for 3 years, and he does that most days of the week, so there is a good chance he will do it again. At this point, I don't know what my options are. Is there any legal action I can take to help me in this situation, or am I just stuck? I am trapped living with an ex who will not move out, even when it had only been 6 days when I told him to leave. He is making my life a nightmare on purpose, because he can. My questions are: 1. Can I restrict him to the bathroom and bedroom provided to him? 2. Can I tell him he's not allowed to used any of my property (such as the blankets, towels, kitchen items)? 3. Is there a way to make him move out sooner because of the distress he is purposely putting me through (with public posts, unknowingly recording me while provoking to use against me, using my things after I told him not to, coming into my room and laying on my bed after I told him it's off limits, unwanted touching, etc)? I am the homeowner. His name is on nothing and does not have an mail being delivered. I believe he has not changed his address from his father's. There is no documentation I agreed to have him live there or any "rules", but there was an exchange of money and a verbal agreement for a weekly payment. He does not own any furniture. Just clothes, guns, a motorcycle, tools, and a few other random items.

 

[Zigner]

What did the police say when you reported the assault (his unwanted touching)? That would likely have been enough to get a domestic restraining order (or whatever it's called in NY). You may still want to go that route even without a police report.

Having said that, you need to stop pressuring him to leave before his 30 days are up lest you find yourself on the wrong end of a wrongful eviction suit.

 

[Heather Lindsay]

The only time I reported him touching me, and hitting me 2 days prior, was Sunday night when the police showed up to force me to let him in. I have been a victim of sexual assault before, and reporting it did absolutely nothing, and I didn't want to put myself through the stress of the justice system not even batting an eye before dismissing charges. If a rape gets thrown out immediately, why wouldn't a lesser offense? The cop gave me a report number to reference when I asked him if an order of protection will make him legally get out sooner. His response was very cold and basically told me to suck it up. He was then rude to me when I said his job is protect the community, and he is forcing someone in my home that will do this to me, no doubt (which the ex did literally the next day). I have no proof he does it.

 

[Zigner]

The only time I reported him touching me, and hitting me 2 days prior, was Sunday night when the police showed up to force me to let him in. I have been a victim of sexual assault before, and reporting it did absolutely nothing, and I didn't want to put myself through the stress of the justice system not even batting an eye before dismissing charges. If a rape gets thrown out immediately, why wouldn't a lesser offense? The cop gave me a report number to reference when I asked him if an order of protection will make him legally get out sooner. His response was very cold and basically told me to suck it up. He was then rude to me when I said his job is protect the community, and he is forcing someone in my home that will do this to me, no doubt (which the ex did literally the next day). I have no proof he does it.

Apply for an order of protection.

 

[mightymoose]

He gave me $100, but then took $70 of it back without my consent.

How did he do this? This sounds like theft.

He refused so much that he had a police officer come to my house and force me to let him live there because there was an exchange of money.

Nobody can force you to do this. You can kick him out, change locks, etc, however he COULD try to sue you in civil court for damages.
If he has been threatening toward you in any way you could also obtain a restraining order that could require him to move out immediately. You can also report the theft (if that is really what happened) if he doesn't move out immediately on your request. You have options.

I am only required to supply a room and allow access to the bathroom correct?

More or less. You can stop providing food, dishes, toilet paper, tv, etc. He can do without those things. Make it less convenient for him to mooch.and he may leave.

Can I restrict him to that room and not allow him to touch my property?

No, but you can remove your property to where he can't access it.

I specifically asked him not to come in my bedroom, and he did twice after midnight and laid down to "talk."

That right there will possibly get you a restraining order requiring him to move out. Surely you were terrified and feared for your safety.

. 3 days ago, while I was in bed, he came in and proceeded to touch me unwantedly for hours

Why would you allow it to happen for hours? Why have you not reported this assault?

 

[army judge]

Last week, a guy I was dating convinced me to let him move in, in exchange to help me with home repairs. He gave me $100

Unless he paid you with a check OR if you gave him a receipt for the alleged $100 he has NO PROOF, other than his word versus your word.

The fact that later he stole $70 isn't provable either, so let that go.

The issue boils down to whether he can PROVE he gave you $100.

If he has no receipt for the ALLEGED $100, he also has no case that he is anything other than a GUEST in your home.

So, what can you do now?

For unwanted house guests that have been living in YOUR home for less than 30 days, the laws in most states are disturbingly SILENT.

Although the law might not recognize the individual as a tenant, any physical attempt to remove the individual could result in a lawsuit.

For example, if you place the individual's property on the lawn or street and change the locks, the individual might attempt to sue for unlawful eviction by claiming that he had a verbal agreement with you.

Again, it is person one says versus person two says.

The individual may also attempt to sue for any perceived damages to his or her property.

In cases such as this, the best way to protect yourself would be to serve a formal written notice of termination of tenancy.

If you feel that written notice will not be enough to get rid of the house guest, do not wait until the last minute to begin the eviction process.

File eviction papers as soon as the notice period ends.

Samples to get you started:

Create Your Free Eviction Notice

NY State Courts:

Evicting a Tenant | NY CourtHelp

You MIGHT also be able to file an emergency order of protection:

Frequently Asked Questions - Obtaining An Order of Protection

This MIGHT be your fastest, easiest way to get rid of the deadbeat, sexual abuser!

What is an order of protection?

An order of protection is issued by the court to limit the behavior of someone who harms or threatens to harm another person.

It is used to address various types of safety issues, including, but not limited to situations involving domestic violence.

Family Courts, criminal courts, and Supreme Courts can all issue orders of protection.

For information and hotline numbers for addressing situations involving domestic violence, see below.

An order of protection may direct the offending person not to injure, threaten or harass you, your family, or any other person(s) listed in the order. It may include, but is not limited to, directing him/her to:

stay away from you and your children
move out of your home
follow custody orders
pay child support
not have a gun

A Family Court order of protection is issued as part of a civil proceeding. Its purpose is to stop violence within a family, or within an intimate relationship, and provide protection for those individuals affected. All Family Court proceedings are confidential.

To obtain an order of protection in the Family Court, your relationship to the other person must fall into one of the following categories:

Current or former spouse
Someone with whom you have a child in common
A family member to whom you are related by blood or marriage
Someone with whom you have or have had an "intimate relationship." An intimate relationship does not have to be a sexual relationship. A relationship may be considered intimate depending on factors such as how often you see each other, or how long you have known each other. After a petition is filed, the court will decide if it is an intimate relationship.
To start a proceeding in Family Court, you need to file a form called a Family Offense petition. The person filing the petition is called the "petitioner," and the person the petition is filed against is called the "respondent." You can contact the Family Court in your county for help completing and filing the petition. You may also wish to speak with an attorney or domestic violence advocate before filing.

Frequently Asked Questions - Obtaining An Order of Protection

 

[Zigner]

Unless he paid you with a check OR if you gave him a receipt for the alleged $100 he has NO PROOF, other than his word versus your word.

The fact that later he stole $70 isn't provable either, so let that go.

The issue boils down to whether he can PROVE he gave you $100.

If he has no receipt for the ALLEGED $100, he also has no case that he is anything other than a GUEST in your home.

Is it your advice that the OP lie (possibly in court) about receiving the money?

 

[army judge]

Is it your advice that the OP lie (possibly in court) about receiving the money?

Are you accusing me of doing (or typing) something that might cause someone to act illegally?

Encouraging others to commit perjury is a very serious allegation, especially if you're accusing me of such an act, pal.

You are on notice that I'll make it my life's work to sue you until the day I die, if that is what you're hinting, buddy.

I will aggressively defend my sterling reputation built and maintained over the course of my life.

 

[cbg]

Army and Zigner, both of you cut it out right now.

I have known both of you for years, albeit in different forums, and I'm tired of watching the two of you haul out your rulers every time you both post in the same thread.

Each of you now has my word, if that is worth anything to either of you, that you are both honorable men with an honest desire to help; neither of who would suggest to a poster that they do anything illegal. And I can't say that about every long time forum poster on the various ones where I post.

So zip it, both of you. Shake hands. We're all friends here.

 

[army judge]

Army and Zigner, both of you cut it out right now.

I have known both of you for years, albeit in different forums, and I'm tired of watching the two of you haul out your rulers every time you both post in the same thread.

Each of you now has my word, if that is worth anything to either of you, that you are both honorable men with an honest desire to help; neither of who would suggest to a poster that they do anything illegal. And I can't say that about every long time forum poster on the various ones where I post.

So zip it, both of you. Shake hands. We're all friends here.

I don't dismiss your efforts to quiet a dispute.

I thank you for trying to calm the air.

I have nothing more to say other than what I said, so I won't say it again.

 

[Zigner]

Are you accusing me of doing (or typing) something that might cause someone to act illegally?

Not at all - and perhaps I shouldn't have been so oblique in my post. I apologize for coming across as snarky. Your post seemed to me to be advising the OP to lie, and I don't believe that's what you intended at all...

 

[army judge]

Not at all - and perhaps I shouldn't have been so oblique in my post. I apologize for coming across as snarky. Your post seemed to me to be advising the OP to lie, and I don't believe that's what you intended at all...

Thank you, I'm moving on as suggested by @cbg

 

[cbg]

That's better. I'd really rather not have to take the two of you out behind the woodshed.

 

[mightymoose]

@Heather Lindsay FWIW, if you do opt to immediately put out your unwanted guest it is NOT a criminal act and police can NOT force you to allow him back in.
Doing so exposes you to the possibility the ex might seek damages in civil court. You need to assess whether he has the means and know-how to do that or if he is just talk.
He sounds like someone who can barely support himself and doesn't have the time to navigate the legal system and keep up with a civil lawsuit.
It is up to you. There are quick ways that come with risk and there are lengthy ways that get the same result.

Again, I suggest you seek s restraining order on the grounds that he enters your room and touches you against your will. This should result in an immediate move out order if you give clear details.
I also suggest you put a lock on your bedroom door.

 

[justblue]

That's better. I'd really rather not have to take the two of you out behind the woodshed.

You're scary when angry...

 

[army judge]

@Heather Lindsay FWIW, if you do opt to immediately put out your unwanted guest it is NOT a criminal act and police can NOT force you to allow him back in.
Doing so exposes you to the possibility the ex might seek damages in civil court. You need to assess whether he has the means and know-how to do that or if he is just talk.
He sounds like someone who can barely support himself and doesn't have the time to navigate the legal system and keep up with a civil lawsuit.
It is up to you. There are quick ways that come with risk and there are lengthy ways that get the same result.

Again, I suggest you seek s restraining order on the grounds that he enters your room and touches you against your will. This should result in an immediate move out order if you give clear details.
I also suggest you put a lock on your bedroom door.

@Heather Lindsay, the information provided to you by @mightymoose is on point.

I suggest you carefully read it, and create a plan, and begin the extrication of the deadbeat by the lawful means presented by @mightymoose.

The longer you delay, the harder it will be to have this creep removed quickly.

The unwarranted, serial sexual contact at the hands of this deadbeat disturb me, and I am not easily disturbed.

If you can get a couple female friends/relatives and a couple male friends/relatives to stay with you UNTIL this sleazeball has been lawfully removed, it might be very helpful towards keeping you safe before this vermin becomes more aggressive, assaultive, and/or abusive.

In the future, NEVER allow acquaintances, boyfriends, or some relatives to spend more than a couple of hours in your home. Your home is not the Flophouse Motel, it should be your safe space.

I am praying for your safety, please act today.

Please keep us informed, as your story has tugged at my hardened heart.

 

[cbg]

You're scary when angry...

You know it, kiddo.

 

[Heather Lindsay]

Update on the situation: I presented him with a renters agreement, which he immediately ripped up just like the eviction notice. He says I have no prof he gave it to me, so he doesn't have to follow it. He then said on his day off tomorrow, he plans on spending time in my bed and cranking the heat while I am at work. I told him again my room is off limits and he laughed at me. He recorded me telling him I will file for an order of protection for what he has done, then said he sent it to his friends. Also said he and his friends made fun of me for this whole situation all day. The fact that he laid in my bed last night uninvited, and him touching me after asking him to stop 3 days ago is enough of a reason to assume he will keep doing it, because he's been doing it for 3 years. Again he laughed at me and said there's nothing I can do that will get him to leave. Even after the 30 days is up, he says he can't wait to go to court to live here another 30. He insist he is not a renter. He lives here so he follows his rules only and doesn't have to do anything I ask... like not eating food in the bedroom. I asked him to not do that. He kept eating until done. Threw out the bag, then said don't forget tomorrow is garbage day sweetheart. Also says he does not intend to pay me anything else while staying here. I reminded him that his name is on nothing and he is not a co-owner of my house, therefore he is renting and must follow the renter's agreement I gave him. He thinks he's untouchable and I can do absolutely nothing. He told me last night he can get his own place, no problem. So the guy is choosing to put me through this because he can. I don't understand why he's recording me saying he sexually assaulted me several times and I plan on getting an order of protection. He's done it twice and showed the texts to the sheriff when I first said it Sunday. Can he use that against me in any way?? Can he legally voice record me to send to his friends to makes fun of me? He recorded it with malicious intent right? I did pick up 2 cameras for inside my house. Living room and bedroom for extra precaution.

 

[Heather Lindsay]

OK so next morning, things went on with him until about 1 am. He stood outside my bedroom door recording our conversation as usual, but everything I was saying that he had done, he was denying just because it was recording. also was still making fun of me to his friends and posting about me on social media just because he can. I can't see it, because I have him blocked, and it's a private account. While recording, he denied coming in my room the night before. He denied touching me Monday. He denied hitting me in the car last week. He is implying that if I file an order of protection, he will have me arrested for slapping him across the face the night he provoked me recording without my knowledge. So basically he is blackmailing me. The guy hit record with the intent to push me over the edge to do something I never do, just so he'd have leverage. The amount of stress that he has caused me finally set me over the edge, and he did exactly what he knew would upset me the most to get that reaction. So now what, I can't get an order of protection to have him removed from my house, because he'll tell the police I hit him and face jail time? So there is nothing I can do. I reminded him that he hit me hard enough last week to leave finger prints on my leg and it was hard for me to walk (to which he denied because he was recording the conversation again), but it's OK for him to tell the police I slapped him across the face that did not leave a mark. He did ask me to come out to the living room to talk around midnight. I told him there was nothing to talk about. He said there was a lot, but will not talk until I turned off the security camera. I refused, and he left the room. Sounds like he didn't want to incriminate himself. I told him that it scares me to have someone in my house that has no remorse for how often he sexually assaults me, and he said if I was so scared, I would have been fully clothed when he came home, because I knew he'd be there. I took my pants off when I got home from work and was in my bedroom when he got there. It's unknown when he gets out of work every day. It's been anywhere between 5pm and 10pm. When he did get there, I put shorts on. I should be able to be comfortable in my own home when he is not there. Just because he could get there any minute means I have to have pants on (even in my bedroom) at all times? So then he accused me of lying about how much it bothers me he touches me after telling him to stop. He proceeded to call me a lunatic for acting the way I have been, and I am out of control. We could live in peace until he moves out, but I am the one that making it intolerable. Classic narcissist trying to make the other person take all the blame while claiming victim.

So what are my options? Let him continue to walk all over me treating me disrespectfully in fear he will have me arrested for assault if I file for an order of protection? I have zero proof he's done anything while he has a recording of me admitting to doing it (which I think he tricked me into saying last night because he video recorded without my consent when it happened). I have nowhere else to go, as this is my home. I can't afford to rent anywhere just so I'm not under the same roof for the next month, to which he will push to stay there after that in court. I am losing it. I am breaking down on a daily basis because this is all too much for me to handle. The guy is a monster with no conscience who is entertained by what he is putting me though.

 

[cbg]

Just because he says he'll have you arrested for assault doesn't mean he has the power to make that happen. What makes you think the police will believe him over you? Just because he says so? Call the police and file for that order of protection today.