Soon-to-be ex frequently requests that I have extra visitation time

B

BrettIllinois17

New Member
Jurisdiction
Massachusetts
My wife and I are in the process of getting divorced. Right now I have our two children almost 50% of the time. 3 nights a week, sometimes 4. I was the primary day-to-day parent prior to the separation. I work full-time and also go to school part-time. My wife doesn't work, however she often requests that I take the children on extra times. Sometimes for a whole night or a whole day, sometimes just picking them up from school and watching them until she's done with whatever her other plans are. In the last 6 months i have taken the children on 16 separate occasions. In addition to my regular 3 times per week. I know she gets babysitters regularly too. My question is that I am trying to gain Primary Custody of the children and have them use my address for the school year. Currently we are using her address for their schools. Will the fact that she has babysitters, and the fact that I take them extra time fairly often, influence the judges decision in determining Primary Custody?
 
BrettIllinois17 said:
My wife and I are in the process of getting divorced. Right now I have our two children almost 50% of the time. 3 nights a week, sometimes 4. I was the primary day-to-day parent prior to the separation. I work full-time and also go to school part-time. My wife doesn't work, however she often requests that I take the children on extra times. Sometimes for a whole night or a whole day, sometimes just picking them up from school and watching them until she's done with whatever her other plans are. In the last 6 months i have taken the children on 16 separate occasions. In addition to my regular 3 times per week. I know she gets babysitters regularly too. My question is that I am trying to gain Primary Custody of the children and have them use my address for the school year. Currently we are using her address for their schools. Will the fact that she has babysitters, and the fact that I take them extra time fairly often, influence the judges decision in determining Primary Custody?
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How old are the children? Since you work full time and go to school part time, won't you require a sitter for the children? How were you the primary day to day parent when you worked/went to school? What proof do you have that you primarily cared for the children?
 
BrettIllinois17 said:
My wife and I are in the process of getting divorced.
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Oh, you mean to say, "The woman to whom I married, well, we're still married."

BrettIllinois17 said:
Right now I have our two children almost 50% of the time. 3 nights a week, sometimes 4.
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Most parents, among which I was once one (my children are adults today), watch THEIR children 24/7/365.

You appear to be lucky, I suppose, because you watch YOUR children about 50% of the time.

BrettIllinois17 said:
My wife doesn't work
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Yet, that was okay when you voluntarily agreed to marry you.

BrettIllinois17 said:
however she often requests that I take the children on extra times.
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You don't have to say YES.

You are free to say, NO, not this time.

I have a job, and don't have lots of free time.

However, if you wish to relinquish the time you are supposed to have our children, let's put it on paper and I would happily care for our children 24/7/365, and you can pay child support. Will that be okay with you?

Great, I'll have my lawyer make sure that's what I ask for in our coming divorce settlement.


BrettIllinois17 said:
Will the fact that she has babysitters, and the fact that I take them extra time fairly often, influence the judges decision in determining Primary Custody?
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I've laid it out for you brilliantly above.

I suggest you discuss this with your divorce lawyer.
 
The children are 7 and 13. I won't require a sitter, my classes are all online so I just do homework after they go to bed. Prior to separation I woke the kids up, got them fed and dressed and washed up, and took them to school on my way to work. After work I made sure they ate their dinner (which I also cooked about half the time), helped with homework, made sure they bathed, and put them to bed. This was the daily routine for their whole lives at that point. I don't know what tangible proof exists for that.
 
BrettIllinois17 said:
The children are 7 and 13. I won't require a sitter, my classes are all online so I just do homework after they go to bed. Prior to separation I woke the kids up, got them fed and dressed and washed up, and took them to school on my way to work. After work I made sure they ate their dinner (which I also cooked about half the time), helped with homework, made sure they bathed, and put them to bed. This was the daily routine for their whole lives at that point. I don't know what tangible proof exists for that.
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Who attended parent/teacher meetings? Who took/takes the children to Doctor/Dentist?
 
PayrollHRGuy said:
If you were the primary caregiver prior to the separation, why did the children stay with your spouse when you separated?
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My spouse refused to let me take the children with me to my new apartment, initially. I do have them at my apartment now though. She would only let me see them for visitation at her house. To avoid conflict I went along with it, and showed up at her house early to take them to school and came by after work to have my time with them. She said it would be easier for them to transition if they still stayed in her house, instead of going with me to my new apartment.
 
justblue said:
Who attended parent/teacher meetings? Who took/takes the children to Doctor/Dentist?
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We both attended parent/teacher meetings. She mostly took them to the doctors, since those appointment are in the daytime and I work M-F and she doesn't. I took them to the dentists though since we could get weekend appointments.
 
BrettIllinois17 said:
My spouse refused to let me take the children with me to my new apartment, initially. I do have them at my apartment now though. She would only let me see them for visitation at her house. To avoid conflict I went along with it, and showed up at her house early to take them to school and came by after work to have my time with them. She said it would be easier for them to transition if they still stayed in her house, instead of going with me to my new apartment.
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It is easier for the children to remain in their home, in their town and in their school. Per what you have posted it is likely a Judge would keep joint custody/joint legal with your ex having primary for school purposes.
 
It's certainly possible. Any answer beyond that is beyond the scope of what anonymous strangers on the internet can do for you.
 
BrettIllinois17 said:
My spouse refused to let me take the children with me to my new apartment, initially. I do have them at my apartment now though. She would only let me see them for visitation at her house. To avoid conflict I went along with it, and showed up at her house early to take them to school and came by after work to have my time with them. She said it would be easier for them to transition if they still stayed in her house, instead of going with me to my new apartment.
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Just for clarification: the title to the home is in her name, and she either owned it free and clear prior to the marriage, or the mortgage is entirely in her name. As she does not work, does she have some ort of massive trust fund?
 
Red Kayak said:
Just for clarification: the title to the home is in her name, and she either owned it free and clear prior to the marriage, or the mortgage is entirely in her name. As she does not work, does she have some ort of massive trust fund?
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It's rented. The lease was in both of our names. She gets money for caretaking an elderly relative. She's never worked full time, ever, I've always supported us. And after separation I was still paying the rent and all the bills.
 
BrettIllinois17 said:
It's rented. The lease was in both of our names. She gets money for caretaking an elderly relative. She's never worked full time, ever, I've always supported us. And after separation I was still paying the rent and all the bills.
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It might be a good idea to let the landlord/property management know that you no longer live there, and that you personally will not be signing a renewal lease. At some point, you should no longer be paying her household bills directly, but rather pay her child support and/or alimony.
 
Red Kayak said:
It might be a good idea to let the landlord/property management know that you no longer live there, and that you personally will not be signing a renewal lease. At some point, you should no longer be paying her household bills directly, but rather pay her child support and/or alimony.
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Yes thank you, that's all been taken care of by now. I'm just wondering with her asking me to have the children so many extra times, in addition to my usual 3 times per week, if that would be an influencing decision in a judge granting me primary custody.
 
BrettIllinois17 said:
if that would be an influencing decision in a judge granting me primary custody.
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Possibly, if you can show that by using you to mind the children she is in someway abdicating or avoiding her duty as a parent.

However, some judges might think that a parent can't have too much time with their child(ren).

Remember, a Bowie knife was designed to cut from either side of the blade.

An old school family lawyer told me decades ago, that it is always best for each parent to abide by the letter of the custody agreement.

She said that if the other parent needed a respite from the kids, needed to work extra hours, travel out of town, etc...; she advised her clients to simply hire someone to care for the children or take them with you (if possible).

She also suggested that if grandparents, aunts, uncles were amenable to watching the children, that option could sometimes be employed.

She made a great deal of sense to me then, and her thoughts still do today.

Things get messy when people begin to deviate from the written court order.

Her only exception was for medical emergencies or the unplanned arrest of the other parent.

She further advised her clients to keep an accurate video or written journal of everything involving the children.
 

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