Termination of rights

N

Neighbor trouble

Member
Jurisdiction
Missouri
My bf pays his child support on two kids with different moms which is fine. But one he doesnt get to see the older one. He wondered about terminating his rights so that the man who has been her "dad" her whole life could adopt her. Do they have to be married for him to adopt her?
He is stressed out bc he never gets to see her and the mom just wants as much $ as possible...
What are his options?
He has no custody but shes almost 13 so she can decide where she lives but she doesn't know her bio dad. Not sure what if anything can be done.
 
The state rarely allows a fish to wiggle off the child support hook, even if the state were to allow a fish to terminate his or her parental rights.

By the way, parental rights are one thing.

Parental responsibility, as in paying child support, is quite another.

If your fish can get another fish to adopt his minnow, YES, he'll get off the child support hook, possibly.

Problem is, most fish aren't that stupid to want to adopt a kid to let some fish off the hook.

But, if your fish has found such a fish, and he does adopt the kid, the process could take two years.

That can only happen after the sucker fish marries the woman with the 13 year old kid. By the time a marriage and an adoption occurred, the 13 year old might be 16 years old.

Plus, adoption is an expensive process.
 
To address one last point, children do not get to 'choose' which parent they live with.
 
I was under the impression that once a child hit 13 they could choose to live with mom or dad? Im sure there are circumstances this doesn't happen. If we get married will the child support change? Im on disability so idk how that works. Honestly, Im not sure we can ever get married bc my disability. If he finds a second job, what would be the next step? His first job pays his child support would he be able to pay on his back child support with 2nd job.
I have no idea about child support, how it works and what included...
 
Neighbor trouble said:
I was under the impression that once a child hit 13 they could choose to live with mom or dad? Im sure there are circumstances this doesn't happen. If we get married will the child support change? Im on disability so idk how that works. Honestly, Im not sure we can ever get married bc my disability. If he finds a second job, what would be the next step? His first job pays his child support would he be able to pay on his back child support with 2nd job.
I have no idea about child support, how it works and what included...
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I can't tell you what to do, ma'am.

I can wish you well, and hope you make choices that don't hurt you.

Child support generally disappears when a kid becomes an adult at age 18, or 189, 21 in a few states.

However, if he is behind in child support, its very doubtful that he'll get current anytime soon.

Unless he's making $200,000 a year or more, working at a $30,000 a year job, and even a second job making $20,000 isn't going to help MUCH.

Even if someone adopted the kid, its very doubtful the amount in arrears would just be washed away. \\As to kids choosing with whom they wish to live, that's mainly a myth, urban legend.

In some states, judges will listen to what a child wants, but the decision is always based on what is best for the child.

That means not disrupting the child's life.

I suggest you be very cautious about marrying anyone that owes back child support. In many cases, such a person tries to use other people and their money to lessen the impact of paying back child support, and continuing child support.

Just read the posts that come across this forum.

You impress me as a nice, trusting person.

I hope you don't get hurt, emotionally and financially.

There are very bad people in this world that will do very bad things, harmful things to very nice people.
 
Why doesn't he see the older child? If he wants visitation, he can file in court for it. Getting visitation is a pretty low bar and typically granted. I have no idea why he wouldn't have pursued this 13 years ago, but it is still an option.

If the stepparent wants to adopt, he may terminate his parental rights. Unless and until then, he is legally responsible for the child's support, whether he ever bothers to see her or not.
 
ElleMD said:
Why doesn't he see the older child? If he wants visitation, he can file in court for it. Getting visitation is a pretty low bar and typically granted. I have no idea why he wouldn't have pursued this 13 years ago, but it is still an option.

If the stepparent wants to adopt, he may terminate his parental rights. Unless and until then, he is legally responsible for the child's support, whether he ever bothers to see her or not.
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Im not exactly sure why he never had anything to do with her, we've only been together 2/1/2 years. Ive known the mom and siblings for years then through some twist of fate I ended up with him like 8 yrs after. I know it doesnt discount his paternity but it was a one night stand and her bf got with her while she was still pregnant. There never was a relationship there.

He is considering a sec job but is worried if he does that his child support will go up. They already take around 50% of his paycheck. So he doesnt bring home but about $450 a month plus another additional $50 to one mother. He is paying on 2 children, but he sees his son whenever he wants and pays.

I dont know what I should do being his gf. I am a quadriplegic and rely on him for more than just a bf. But Im in no spot to tell him what to do about his children. I think he should have visitation but you need a lawyer to do that. There's no money for a lawyer...

Cant you talk to a lawyer and he'll listen to your case for free?
 
Neighbor trouble said:
Im not exactly sure why he never had anything to do with her, we've only been together 2/1/2 years. Ive known the mom and siblings for years then through some twist of fate I ended up with him like 8 yrs after. I know it doesnt discount his paternity but it was a one night stand and her bf got with her while she was still pregnant. There never was a relationship there.

He is considering a sec job but is worried if he does that his child support will go up. They already take around 50% of his paycheck. So he doesnt bring home but about $450 a month plus another additional $50 to one mother. He is paying on 2 children, but he sees his son whenever he wants and pays.

I dont know what I should do being his gf. I am a quadriplegic and rely on him for more than just a bf. But Im in no spot to tell him what to do about his children. I think he should have visitation but you need a lawyer to do that. There's no money for a lawyer...

Cant you talk to a lawyer and he'll listen to your case for free?
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You have no legal bearing in this. If your boyfriend wants to see his child, he will need to go to court and ask for it.

Child support and visitation are two separate things. Paying child support does not guarantee visitation. Not paying child support cannot be used against the other parent.

If he is legally the father, then he will pay child support if there is an order. If he wants to see his oldest child, he can go to court. Some lawyers have a free consultation but no lawyer will take on a case for free. You can get a half hour visit for free possibly.

If he isn't willing to fight to see his kid, then let it go. I dealt with something similar with my ex husband. He has three other kids with two women. The oldest (almost 14) was a one night stand. He knew her for 2 hours, hot tub. Bam. Pregnant. He didn't know she was pregnant until she gave birth because he never saw her again after that. It was by chance he ended up at the hospital the night his son was born. He said he was hanging out with a couple of her friends and they were going to see her and said she was having a baby. Two months later she comes to him "You have a son" because the other guy she had a paternity test on it came back he was not the dad. I don't know how he didn't know the kid is his twin 20 years apart. But he got a paternity test - he's the bio dad. He has had a child support order but for some reason he never took her to court to get visitation. But she would let him and his family come get the son every other weekend until she married her now ex husband. Then she disappeared for a couple years until I found her on Facebook. When my ex was with his first wife he still never fought for custody of his son. Then when we were together but not married yet, he finds out his son was abused by the stepdad and all the kids were taken away and his son was in foster care for almost a year. Partly the state wasn't contacting him but he still never got a lawyer and fought. I told him I would pay for a lawyer. Somehow the stepdad ended up with custody as the mom got into drugs or something. Idk. She's been in and out of jail the last year. The son is on the same road as his parents already which is sad.

When I was with my ex and he does have a visitation plan for the other two with his first ex wife. She was constantly in contempt but he wouldn't talk to a lawyer. I ended up paying child support because she would say "If I don't get paid you can't see the kids." Well I couldn't take her to court and so I paid her. First he had me give her cash. I said that's stupid it doesn't count. I wrote checks after that and eventually the state caught up and she said she filled out a form for what he (I) paid. Then I paid it online. But he never got his six weeks in the summer. One summer he let her have weekends and the first weekend, she waits until the last minute before we had to go home and says "They don't want to go back." That isn't up to the kids. The daughter did say she didn't want to go but the younger son had no clue. Last summer he didn't get it because I left him.

I know I'm not much better but you got yourself in a situation...but you have no bearing legally on this. HE has to go fight for custody. If he doesn't want it, there's nothing you can do. If he makes more money, the only way (I think) he would pay more is if the mom files to modify child support. But I'm not sure. I am supposed to get $86 and since Aug last year he's already $800+ behind on just our daughter. 10000+ on the four altogether.

I think you might want to consider finding someone else to help you out other than him.
 
leslie82 said:
You have no legal bearing in this. If your boyfriend wants to see his child, he will need to go to court and ask for it.

Child support and visitation are two separate things. Paying child support does not guarantee visitation. Not paying child support cannot be used against the other parent.

If he is legally the father, then he will pay child support if there is an order. If he wants to see his oldest child, he can go to court. Some lawyers have a free consultation but no lawyer will take on a case for free. You can get a half hour visit for free possibly.

If he isn't willing to fight to see his kid, then let it go. I dealt with something similar with my ex husband. He has three other kids with two women. The oldest (almost 14) was a one night stand. He knew her for 2 hours, hot tub. Bam. Pregnant. He didn't know she was pregnant until she gave birth because he never saw her again after that. It was by chance he ended up at the hospital the night his son was born. He said he was hanging out with a couple of her friends and they were going to see her and said she was having a baby. Two months later she comes to him "You have a son" because the other guy she had a paternity test on it came back he was not the dad. I don't know how he didn't know the kid is his twin 20 years apart. But he got a paternity test - he's the bio dad. He has had a child support order but for some reason he never took her to court to get visitation. But she would let him and his family come get the son every other weekend until she married her now ex husband. Then she disappeared for a couple years until I found her on Facebook. When my ex was with his first wife he still never fought for custody of his son. Then when we were together but not married yet, he finds out his son was abused by the stepdad and all the kids were taken away and his son was in foster care for almost a year. Partly the state wasn't contacting him but he still never got a lawyer and fought. I told him I would pay for a lawyer. Somehow the stepdad ended up with custody as the mom got into drugs or something. Idk. She's been in and out of jail the last year. The son is on the same road as his parents already which is sad.

When I was with my ex and he does have a visitation plan for the other two with his first ex wife. She was constantly in contempt but he wouldn't talk to a lawyer. I ended up paying child support because she would say "If I don't get paid you can't see the kids." Well I couldn't take her to court and so I paid her. First he had me give her cash. I said that's stupid it doesn't count. I wrote checks after that and eventually the state caught up and she said she filled out a form for what he (I) paid. Then I paid it online. But he never got his six weeks in the summer. One summer he let her have weekends and the first weekend, she waits until the last minute before we had to go home and says "They don't want to go back." That isn't up to the kids. The daughter did say she didn't want to go but the younger son had no clue. Last summer he didn't get it because I left him.

I know I'm not much better but you got yourself in a situation...but you have no bearing legally on this. HE has to go fight for custody. If he doesn't want it, there's nothing you can do. If he makes more money, the only way (I think) he would pay more is if the mom files to modify child support. But I'm not sure. I am supposed to get $86 and since Aug last year he's already $800+ behind on just our daughter. 10000+ on the four altogether.

I think you might want to consider finding someone else to help you out other than him.
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The other day he got mad that Im even dealing with this but Im so stressed about it and he doesnt seem to be concerned about it at all. So Im just not gonna stress about it (or try). He's not worried so Im just gonna say "told ya so" .. Its just so aggrevating! Thanks
 

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