Mother of children has cancer, now what?

M

MamaBearE

New Member
Jurisdiction
California
My husband and I currently have court ordered visitation with his 2 daughters (10 and 7) every other weekend and every wednesday. (which was a huge battle with their mother ) The 10 yr old also has Type I Diabetes and requires extra medical care and is on an insulin pump. Their mother was just diagnosed with stage III ovarian cancer and has been in the hospital for 3 weeks and is unable to care for the girls. At this time, she is not allowing the girls to stay with us because it's "her time", even though she is not around to care for them. So she is splitting their time between their grandparents and daycare, even though my husband is available and capable of caring for the girls during this time. We would like an order that states if she is not able to care for the girls, they come to us. I am not sure if we just need to file a request for change in order? If/when she passes, or becomes on hospice, do we need to file for custody? Would custody automatically fall to my husband? It sounds brutal, but we are trying to prepare and plan for our future in event we need to take the girls in full time. We are concerned about her ability to care for the girls, especially the one with diabetes as she has a lot doctor's appts and requires extra careful attention. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated! Thank you
 
Catastrophic illnesses can be very difficult on children.
Those dear little babies will soon be without their mother.
Frankly, if you were in her position, wouldn't you want others to allow you some leeway.
Sure, she may have been a very evil person.
But, in her last days, I'd be very forgiving for the sake of those dear, little babies.
I lost my beloved mother when I was about 55 years old.
I had lost my beloved father five years earlier.
I'd had two massive holes in my heart for since their passing.
Yes, seeing the kids is important to both of you.
I'd worry about filing for custody after the kids have buried their mom.
Its okay to discuss the possibility of custody now, but keep it to yourselves.
I'm sure you two are wonderful people, but this isn't the time to further upset the world those two kids have come to know.
 
Thank you for your opinion. I didn't call her evil, however if mother is in the hospital and UNABLE to care for the children, why should it not default to the FATHER caring for the children? Them being uprooted from home to stay with a grandparent makes no sense to us at all. Does it to you??? Why would it not be ok for us to request that? Since she refuses to agree, I really have little sympathy for the situation. If mother can't care for the children, they should go to their father. So, we should just stand back and not request ANY change in order til she progresses??? Seems a little silly and unrealistic


army judge said:
Catastrophic illnesses can be very difficult on children.
Those dear little babies will soon be without their mother.
Frankly, if you were in her position, wouldn't you want others to allow you some leeway.
Sure, she may have been a very evil person.
But, in her last days, I'd be very forgiving for the sake of those dear, little babies.
I lost my beloved mother when I was about 55 years old.
I had lost my beloved father five years earlier.
I'd had two massive holes in my heart for since their passing.
Yes, seeing the kids is important to both of you.
I'd worry about filing for custody after the kids have buried their mom.
Its okay to discuss the possibility of custody now, but keep it to yourselves.
I'm sure you two are wonderful people, but this isn't the time to further upset the world those two kids have come to know.
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MamaBearE said:
Thank you for your opinion. I didn't call her evil, however if mother is in the hospital and UNABLE to care for the children, why should it not default to the FATHER caring for the children? Them being uprooted from home to stay with a grandparent makes no sense to us at all. Does it to you??? Why would it not be ok for us to request that? Since she refuses to agree, I really have little sympathy for the situation. If mother can't care for the children, they should go to their father. So, we should just stand back and not request ANY change in order til she progresses??? Seems a little silly and unrealistic
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Sigh, no one said you called her anything.
I was simply trying to say, even if she had done you dirty, which she may have not, now isn't the time to worry about anything except helping the kids lose their mom.

I wish you all the best this world has to offer.



I have nothing further to say on the matter.

May God bless us all.
 
MamaBearE said:
My husband and I currently have court ordered visitation with his 2 daughters (10 and 7) every other weekend and every wednesday. (which was a huge battle with their mother ) The 10 yr old also has Type I Diabetes and requires extra medical care and is on an insulin pump. Their mother was just diagnosed with stage III ovarian cancer and has been in the hospital for 3 weeks and is unable to care for the girls. At this time, she is not allowing the girls to stay with us because it's "her time", even though she is not around to care for them. So she is splitting their time between their grandparents and daycare, even though my husband is available and capable of caring for the girls during this time. We would like an order that states if she is not able to care for the girls, they come to us. I am not sure if we just need to file a request for change in order? If/when she passes, or becomes on hospice, do we need to file for custody? Would custody automatically fall to my husband? It sounds brutal, but we are trying to prepare and plan for our future in event we need to take the girls in full time. We are concerned about her ability to care for the girls, especially the one with diabetes as she has a lot doctor's appts and requires extra careful attention. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated! Thank you
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YOU don't have custody of your stepchildren. Your husband does. YOU legally don't matter in this situation. Sorry but you don't. I have been a stepmom and I cared (and still do) for my stepkids. But legally I had zero say and I would get in fights with their mom and should have stayed out of it. (I usually was just sticking up for myself).

How can you say their lives were uprooted? Do they not know their grandparents? Okay their lives have been uprooted because their mom has freaking cancer. The grandparents seem to be doing a good job helping her out. No the kids should not automatically default to the dad. First of all, they are not property. They are children. I have sole custody of my daughter. If something were to happen to me, I am going to do what I can to make sure they go to my oldest brother and not her father. Especially when he has proven he isn't a good parent. I'm not saying your husband isn't a good dad but if those kids' grandparents are doing a good job, what's the problem?

If you want to come off as the evil stepmom go ahead and have your husband push it. But again YOU don't get to file for custody. YOU don't get to do anything legally. ONLY your husband gets to. So it's up to him what he wants to file and when. Not you. The only one unrealistic is you.
 
Some custody agreements are written in such a way that the other parent has first right of refusal in the event the custodial parent is unable to care for them. It sounds like your husband's agreement does not contain such a provision. In that case, the mother is correct that it is up to her to decide who the children spend time with during "her time". It is the same during their visitation time with their father. If he wants to use that time to let the children visit with his relatives, or spend the night at a friend's house, or hires a sitter for an evening, he may.

He and his ex need to have a few serious discussions as to the children and the future. If they can not agree, he can seek a modification through the courts but he does need to be mindful of what the children are going through.
 
leslie82 said:
YOU don't have custody of your stepchildren. Your husband does. YOU legally don't matter in this situation. Sorry but you don't. I have been a stepmom and I cared (and still do) for my stepkids. But legally I had zero say and I would get in fights with their mom and should have stayed out of it. (I usually was just sticking up for myself).

How can you say their lives were uprooted? Do they not know their grandparents? Okay their lives have been uprooted because their mom has freaking cancer. The grandparents seem to be doing a good job helping her out. No the kids should not automatically default to the dad. First of all, they are not property. They are children. I have sole custody of my daughter. If something were to happen to me, I am going to do what I can to make sure they go to my oldest brother and not her father. Especially when he has proven he isn't a good parent. I'm not saying your husband isn't a good dad but if those kids' grandparents are doing a good job, what's the problem?

If you want to come off as the evil stepmom go ahead and have your husband push it. But again YOU don't get to file for custody. YOU don't get to do anything legally. ONLY your husband gets to. So it's up to him what he wants to file and when. Not you. The only one unrealistic is you.
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WOW, what a BITCH you are! Obviously you made some poor choices in your life that left you single with no father for your daughter. I'm sorry about that.

Don't put your personal issues on me! My husband and I MAKE DECISIONS TOGETHER. Yes, I am aware I don't "LEGALLY MATTER", never said I did. I am researching what we should do LEGALLY for my HUSBAND and yes, he is a big boy, and he can and does file his own papers, thank you. I'm not a controlling psycho, but I guess you think I am? Interesting.

I too have a child from a previous relationship, whose father has visitation..... if something happened to me, I would expect her FATHER to raise her, even though I CANNOT STAND HIM! It's not about your emotions, it's about what is BEST for the children.

So yes, I feel the children are BEST with my HUSBAND IF THEIR MOTHER IS IN NEED, sorry you don't agree

I thought this forum was for LEGAL HELP, not for people to talk shit and share their own stories??? I don't care about your situation or the fact that you have chosen to deprive your daughter of a relationship with her father. He has EVERY right to her, just as YOU DO, but hey, who am I to judge??

So, I guess we will just wait and see what happens, because nobody can give me any ACTUAL advice. Why should children be with their PARENT??? Didn't know that was such a crazy thing!
And the fucking problem is, my husband is an AMAZING dad and he wants to help HIS CHILDREN THROUGH LOSING THEIR MOTHER!!! I also never said she was dying... she could live a long life!

Yes, they know their grandparents.... but they know their DAD BETTER

So, thanks for harping on me, like I'm not stressed enough trying to help my husband and step daughters through this!
 
ElleMD said:
Some custody agreements are written in such a way that the other parent has first right of refusal in the event the custodial parent is unable to care for them. It sounds like your husband's agreement does not contain such a provision. In that case, the mother is correct that it is up to her to decide who the children spend time with during "her time". It is the same during their visitation time with their father. If he wants to use that time to let the children visit with his relatives, or spend the night at a friend's house, or hires a sitter for an evening, he may.

He and his ex need to have a few serious discussions as to the children and the future. If they can not agree, he can seek a modification through the courts but he does need to be mindful of what the children are going through.
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THANK YOU SO MUCH! This is what I was looking for, some guidance! And yes, it was verbally stated in court, but it is not actually in the court order and that's all we want to ask for. We are not trying to take the girls, deprive her of the time she has to spend with them or ANYTHING like that! So, thank you for understanding where I am coming from and explaining it how you did.

My husband already plans on having a discussion with her once she is home and settled. We aren't bad people, we are just trying to know our rights, and prepare in event their mother needs further hospitalization.
 
Please, let's respect each others opinion, and avoid calling other posters disparaging names.

We don't all need to agree.

We all must remain polite.

Thank you.
 
army judge said:
Please, let's respect each others opinion, and avoid calling other posters disparaging names.

We don't all need to agree.

We all must remain polite.

Thank you.
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I didn't feel respected at all. I was yelled at, when all I am trying to do in this difficult time is obtain some UNEMOTIONAL guidance.
 
MamaBearE said:
WOW, what a BITCH you are! Obviously you made some poor choices in your life that left you single with no father for your daughter. I'm sorry about that.

Don't put your personal issues on me! My husband and I MAKE DECISIONS TOGETHER. Yes, I am aware I don't "LEGALLY MATTER", never said I did. I am researching what we should do LEGALLY for my HUSBAND and yes, he is a big boy, and he can and does file his own papers, thank you. I'm not a controlling psycho, but I guess you think I am? Interesting.

I too have a child from a previous relationship, whose father has visitation..... if something happened to me, I would expect her FATHER to raise her, even though I CANNOT STAND HIM! It's not about your emotions, it's about what is BEST for the children.

So yes, I feel the children are BEST with my HUSBAND IF THEIR MOTHER IS IN NEED, sorry you don't agree

I thought this forum was for LEGAL HELP, not for people to talk shit and share their own stories??? I don't care about your situation or the fact that you have chosen to deprive your daughter of a relationship with her father. He has EVERY right to her, just as YOU DO, but hey, who am I to judge??

So, I guess we will just wait and see what happens, because nobody can give me any ACTUAL advice. Why should children be with their PARENT??? Didn't know that was such a crazy thing!
And the fucking problem is, my husband is an AMAZING dad and he wants to help HIS CHILDREN THROUGH LOSING THEIR MOTHER!!! I also never said she was dying... she could live a long life!

Yes, they know their grandparents.... but they know their DAD BETTER

So, thanks for harping on me, like I'm not stressed enough trying to help my husband and step daughters through this!
Click to expand...


First off, you have no need to call me names or yell at me. I gave you a viewpoint. If you don't like it, tough crap.

Yes I am fully aware of the choices I have made that led to me being a single mother. Nice making it into a personal attack. She does have a father he is just not a very good one at this moment in his life. Maybe someday he will stay sober. Maybe not. Not my problem anymore. I don't have to explain my life choices to you because I'm not the one criticizing a woman dying of cancer and trying to take her kids from her.

I never said you were a "controlling psycho" but based on the way you are yelling at a complete stranger on the Internet…we'll just leave it there.

I know what's best for my child and at this point in her father's life if I died or was in a coma, no he would not be the best person to raise a child. Any of his kids. He can't even take care of himself at 34 years old why would I leave him a 2 year old child with complex medical issues to care for? He has no license. No car. Lives with his mom. May be going to prison for a few years. So no the best place is not always with the father or the mother in given situations.

Also I do not deprive my daughter of seeing her father. I take her to his family's functions and birthday parties to see him and because his family has always welcomed me as part of their family and invites me to those things. But he is the one who decided to not show up for any court hearings when we divorced. Do you know what he did instead of showing up to court and fighting for his "rights" to his daughter? Scammed me out of money to get drugs by lying about getting a job. He knows I am a good person and would help him if he said he got a job and just needed some help to get started. So I did – and then I found out it was all lies. The very first court date he texted me 5 minutes before court asking for money. He never answered the paperwork. The only thing that he has to do in order to get a written visitation plan is the online parenting class and mediation. That's it. $40 and he can get court ordered visitation to see his daughter. Does he do it? No. He finds any possible way to get money for drugs but not for his kids. I gave him a final chance last year after he went to rehab. I stood by him when he got arrested for something I don't think he did. I bailed him out. He used that as an excuse to relapse. Started his shenanigans with taking off with my car, spending my money, taking money out of the ATM and I had to constantly change my pin. I had enough and I called the cops when he took my car demanding $100 to go get meth. He has drained my savings, he has drained me emotionally, financially, mentally and he physically abused me. The last time he beat me our daughter was in the other room. There's a reason he's been divorced twice in the last four years. So don't you sit there and judge me because despite everything he's done I have let him see our daughter since he got out of jail in June for his probation violation. I just will not leave him alone with her until he has been sober for at the very least six months (not counting jail), has his own place, a steady job, he is taking care of himself on his own with no help from mommy or anyone else and being a functioning adult and not acting like a teenager.
As of right now, the court says he has no rights to visitation and he has not rights to parent until he completes a parenting class. I did it. I did everything my lawyer told me to. I

Since you want to be Miss Judgmental I will share more of my personal story: I take care of her day in and day out. I have been at every single doctor appointment. Every hospital stay. Every ER visit. Every surgery, line replacement, ultrasound, MRI. He has not. Instead of being with us in the hospital he took off to do drugs because it was "too hard" to deal with her medical condition. He finds any excuse to use drugs and I got tired of it. I will do everything in my power to protect my daughter and ensure he can't screw her up like he screwed up the other kids with the help of his exes. So don't sit there and judge me when you have no clue what my life is like or what I am going through in my life. Oh and on top of that try being active duty military. When you have experienced that you can be mad at me for telling you how you sound based on your own words.

You came to a forum that gives out legal advice. What did you expect from an open forum that allows anyone to post advice? Also if you don't want to come off as harping then don't do it. Don't get mad when someone tells you what you don't want to hear. I didn't "share" a personal story until now. But the fact you're going to attack me when you don't know me and all I did was tell you fact based on your story…maybe you need to stay off the Internet if you can't handle comments. I'm not perfect but you have no legal say in the matter and your husband needs to go talk to a lawyer. The fact that their mother has her parents taking care of the kids is not an excuse for you to take them away from her while she is dealing with cancer. Are they being abused? Neglected? Mistreated? No? Then let the mother have her time with them because it might be the last. You don't know she will live a long life anymore than anyone knows when she will die. My friend's mother in law just died from cancer at 49 years old and she was diagnosed a year ago. So this might very well be the last moments she has with them, it might not. It's not up to you to take that away from her.

Honestly you don't sound like you give two shits about what's best for the kids and you are more concerned with how you look. You don't like my opinion, ignore it. You want some legal advice? Go find a lawyer. They generally give free consultations.
 

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