Evil Family

[cleardot]

Jurisdiction

New York

I'm 56 and my partner Tom is 62. He is a disabled Vietnam Vet and I have supported him since he was blinded in a VA hospital 'mishap' in 2000.

If I die first he will get a house upstate NY that is in my name only. Upon his death the house would then go to the alternate beneficiary in his will, his niece. As Tom's family have done us nothing but harm I do not want any member of his family to benefit from my years of cash and sweat equity.

Tom has just relocated South to another house I bought him, so there is no issue of leaving him homeless.

Ideally I would leave the house to Tom with the caveat that no member of his family could ever reside there, but that would seem impossible to police / enforce. Another option would be to choose an executor to sell the house upon my death and leave the proceeds to Tom. Even if he then left some money to his family I wouldn't be rolling in my grave.

Amongst their offenses, cheating him out of a 750K inheritance from his father, accepting 15K for a Jeep which was never delivered, 'borrowing' and never repaying 17K to pay property taxes on a luxury home and worst of all not visiting or phoning when he was literally blinded in a botched VA hospital operation. It is beyond me how this ultra-patriotic family could treat their Vietnam Vet brother this way.

I am looking for the right way to do this.

 

[army judge]

If Tom won't ever reside in the home, the only way to ensure your desires are carried out correctly would be for you to put the house into a trust, leaving it to him upon your death.

In the interim, you can remain in the home.

However, if I were you, I'd sell the home today and simply gift him the proceeds.

Before you make the decision alone, ask Tom what he would prefer to have done with the home.

I gave away many of my things years ago to ensure they landed where wanted them to go.

That's not to say they haven't gone astray today.

Guess what?

I did what I wanted done, and I just don't care anymore.

Sad thing is, most people are far too forgiving of those who harmed them.

I believe that greater harm is meted out to us by those closest to us.

Frankly, why not sit down with an attorney you trust and investigate the options available to you to best cause the result you desire?

 

[cleardot]

If Tom won't ever reside in the home, the only way to ensure your desires are carried out correctly would be for you to put the house into a trust, leaving it to him upon your death.

In the interim, you can remain in the home.

However, if I were you, I'd sell the home today and simply gift him the proceeds.

Before you make the decision alone, ask Tom what he would prefer to have done with the home.

I gave away many of my things years ago to ensure they landed where wanted them to go.

That's not to say they haven't gone astray today.

Guess what?

I did what I wanted done, and I just don't care anymore.

Sad thing is, most people are far too forgiving of those who harmed them.

I believe that greater harm is meted out to us by those closest to us.

Frankly, why not sit down with an attorney you trust and investigate the options available to you to best cause the result you desire?

 

[cleardot]

Thanks for the advice.

Yes I've seen an estate attorney who recommended an executor to sell the house upon my death, leaving the residual to Tom. It said nothing about who could reside there while the house is on the market. Maybe a trust would allow me to be more specific.

You are right about the damage relatives and close friends inflict upon each other. I'm fine with not having ultimate control over where every piece of property lands but not fine with making it easy.

I think I will get another opinion with the trust idea in mind.

 

[army judge]

Thanks for the advice.

Yes I've seen an estate attorney who recommended an executor to sell the house upon my death, leaving the residual to Tom. It said nothing about who could reside there while the house is on the market. Maybe a trust would allow me to be more specific.

You are right about the damage relatives and close friends inflict upon each other. I'm fine with not having ultimate control over where every piece of property lands but not fine with making it easy.

I think I will get another opinion with the trust idea in mind.

If you married Tom, many things would become easier, insofar as ensuring your community property is distributed according to your wishes.

I suspect Tom has forgiven those who hurt him.

If you were to predecease Tom, he'll probably let his evil kin take the stuff anyway.

Tom isn't a bad person, simply one of millions with a beautiful spirit, a big heart, and capable of loving people undeserving of a morning greeting.

 

[cleardot]

If you married Tom, many things would become easier, insofar as ensuring your community property is distributed according to your wishes.

I suspect Tom has forgiven those who hurt him.

If you were to predecease Tom, he'll probably let his evil kin take the stuff anyway.

Tom isn't a bad person, simply one of millions with a beautiful spirit, a big heart, and capable of loving people undeserving of a morning greeting.

 

[cleardot]

I'm not able to marry him because my income would cause him to lose the tiny pension the VA gives him. And it's precisely my dying before him that concerns me. His four brothers, don't need to add my small house to their yachts, ocean-front pools and Duesenberg collections. For them just getting free stuff is a game and a triumph.

I can't be the only one in this boat. A lot of gay couples must face unsavory inlaws.

 

[army judge]

I'm not able to marry him because my income would cause him to lose the tiny pension the VA gives him. And it's precisely my dying before him that concerns me. His four brothers, don't need to add my small house to their yachts, ocean-front pools and Duesenberg collections. For them just getting free stuff is a game and a triumph.

I can't be the only one in this boat. A lot of gay couples must face unsavory inlaws.

It isn't only gay couples that are troubled by "unsavory" in laws, mate.

I told my wife, long before we married, I was marrying her, not her family.

I dislike and avoid TODAY many of the relatives I was forced to tolerate as a child.

That's one of the better advantages of being an adult, in my view, choosing my minimal associations.

Your greater enemy here is the lousy treatment the US government has always meted out mistreatment, maltreatment, and neglect to this nation's warriors.

As a 30 year army retiree, the army, the VA, and other governmental acronyms, screwed me far more than any human being or the VC, CiComs, or NVRs.

Our enemy does us great honor.

Nevertheless, knowing what I know today, I'd still proudly take "that oath" again. It's my comrades I love, those wonderful guys that I soldiered and fought alongside me that made it all worthwhile.

 

[cleardot]

It isn't only gay couples that are troubled by "unsavory" in laws, mate.

I told my wife, long before we married, I was marrying her, not her family.

I dislike and avoid TODAY many of the relatives I was forced to tolerate as a child.

That's one of the better advantages of being an adult, in my view, choosing my minimal associations.

Your greater enemy here is the lousy treatment the US government has always meted out mistreatment, maltreatment, and neglect to this nation's warriors.

As a 30 year army retiree, the army, the VA, and other governmental acronyms, screwed me far more than any human being or the VC, CiComs, or NVRs.

Our enemy does us great honor.

Nevertheless, knowing what I know today, I'd still proudly take "that oath" again. It's my comrades I love, those wonderful guys that I soldiered and fought alongside me that made it all worthwhile.

 

[cleardot]

Yes, all good points. Helpful comment there about choosing minimal associations. I'm going to remember that.

I was a military contractor for 15 years but never a service member like you. I only know what the VA did to this guy. It was so bad 20/ 20 wanted to do a segment on it. But the VA keeps vets too intimidated to do anything and Tom refused.

Bravo for keeping that oath and brotherhood. You're lucky to have that.

Some advice from a lady friend regarding my will. Leave the property to a trusted friend. Outside of the will make an agreement that the property be sold ASAP and Tom given part of the proceeds. In other words leave Tom and his relatives out of the will entirely. I need to find some mechanism to ensure the trusted friend sells and distributes as I state.

On a separate note I have been thinking of launching a website where vets can tell their VA stories. It seems now that these tragic stories are scattered all over the place. There is power in numbers. If you know of a site like that already let me know, no use in duplicating.

 

[ElleMD]

A marriage should not affect a pension. The VA does provide benefits to spouses, regardless of sex. Important Information on Marriage

You only have control over what you do with your property. You can not control what happens beyond the grave, nor can you control what your partner wishes to do upon his death. He gets to make those decisions just as you do. Would you like someone else who is dead and gone telling you what you must do with your possessions? Unless it is razed, someone will live in that house after you and your partner shuffle off this mortal coil, and there is no guarantee that person will be any less distasteful than his family.

 

[cleardot]

A marriage should not affect a pension. The VA does provide benefits to spouses, regardless of sex. Important Information on Marriage

You only have control over what you do with your property. You can not control what happens beyond the grave, nor can you control what your partner wishes to do upon his death. He gets to make those decisions just as you do. Would you like someone else who is dead and gone telling you what you must do with your possessions? Unless it is razed, someone will live in that house after you and your partner shuffle off this mortal coil, and there is no guarantee that person will be any less distasteful than his family.

 

[cleardot]

I'm sure you mean well. But if I married Tom his pension would stop, based on the requirement that he report my income to the VA. In addition most VA hospitals are still denying benefits to the same sex partners of vets, even though that was a DOJ directive. Eric Holder is still trying to force them to comply. I follow this issue closely.

So great link. But it still doesn't hold water.

Regarding your 2nd statement, of course I can control what happens beyond the grave. What do you think trusts are for?

 

[army judge]

Some advice from a lady friend regarding my will. Leave the property to a trusted friend. Outside of the will make an agreement that the property be sold ASAP and Tom given part of the proceeds. In other words leave Tom and his relatives out of the will entirely. I need to find some mechanism to ensure the trusted friend sells and distributes as I state.

Your friend is right, but don't trust others to do right by your money upon your death.

Even if you trusted two or three people, greed can overwhelm many mortals. Death and ill health can intervene causing the person to be unable to carry through with your wishes.

You can hire a bank, a law firm (not a lawyer), or other legal entity to make sure your wishes are followed to the letter.

Yes, a trust (administered by a bank or law firm) will also ensure your wishes are carried out as you decree.

I saved myself the expense, frustration, and planning by doing all of this ten years ago. I have more than enough to live on, hoping I can squander it all away before I die. If I don't, so what, I'll pass on not worrying about what's left behind.

You, of course, must decide what works best for you.