A world of MESS, & I'm just trying to find peace before it's all over

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ShadowShyster

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Well, world here's my sad ass sorry story of a MESS that I'm going through, & I'm sorry I'm going to have to give you alot of info about the past that my child's Mother & I have gone through so you might be able to understand the problem a bit better..
Ok, well I myself grew up without a father in my life, all I've ever seen has been a few pictures & told a few conflicting story's from my Mother & Grand Mother. I also have went through & grew up in the System as far as D.C.F.S. (group homes, reform schools, foster homes, shelters) & had to see many different case workers & shrinks in my life.. & well I'm going to put it like this after all those years it's left a VERY BITTER taste in my mouth when it comes to have ANYTHING to do with them in ANY way shape or form.. I was basically slam dunked through ever hole, let to fall through every crack, & pushed under every pile of paper & forgot about till they could push me out of there so called System..

Some 15 years ago "92" I met a young woman, & well, we were young, & dumb & just trying to get some & find what we took as love.. & were very irresponsible, & well a year later we had our first child, the sad thing is it never worked out for us because of other problems that were going on at the time also, problems with as far as where I was staying at the time, (with my Mother, & well lets just say her & I are like a match & tank of gas.. We have NEVER worked out the problems of the years physical & mental abuse & neglect that she caused when I was a child.) The kids Mother knows about everything that has went on between my Mother & me & at times has used it against me as far as mentally cutting my heart apart through out the years.. So I moved back to the city of Chicago, IL. & tried to make it on my own & about a year later at a party I fell for the power of the honey pot once again while on a visit down state to again try & work out something & we ended up wit another child. & well we were never to come to a happy middle about anything, so back to the city I went for 7 more years. & every so often I would try to come down & try to work out the problems to make things right but still nothing. (at the time I wasn't stable at all, & really didn't even have a pot ta piss in or the window to toss it off but I was still willing to try to make something go right.)
To make a long story a bit shorter, I then moved to Detroit, Mich. (end of "98") since things were NOT working out for me in ANY way. & at first things weren't as good as I hoped for but they have been alot worse in my life. Finally a few things started getting a bit better & started to fall some what in to place, (ie. me finding a some what stable address & work to support myself. & then I met a woman & we hit it off like water to a fish, & she herself has kids 3-boys & I took on the role of a father to them. & for five years (end of "98" to "03") I lived in Detroit
There were times I would tell her if things weren't going well I'd be MORE then happy to help in ANYWAY I could, hell she could have sent them to me for the summers & if she wanted she was also welcome to come make sure things were going good & everything was alright.. Well needless to say because of problems in the past I wasn't able to move on & we (the lady in Detroit) couldn't get married & that caused us to fall apart finally..
Now during ALL of these years the kids Mother has had EVERY possible way of getting in touch with me known today & she has used them time to time, (pager #'s, cell #'s, home #'s, home address's even e-mail address) so it's NOT like I have EVER tried to avoid her or hide from her in ANY way.. But during the years it's NEVER been to talk about how the boys are doing or what could be done for the boys, every time it's been about her or to be vindictive & once in awhile toss me a tidbit of info here & there.. To be CRUEL & HEARTLESS & to listen to me beg.. Because she knows it RIPS me apart that shes NOT letting me have ANY contact with them. Even tho I know it would be like a knife in her back because I had found someone else to be happy with in life, I also know that would put to a end of any hopes I had to get to know them until they came looking & asking..
Now don't misunderstand me I'm not trying to say that I don't owe the kids anything, because I know that's not right, but at the same time she hasn't let me EVER get to know the boys in ANY way shape or form.. The 1 & ONLY time I was able to see them was back while they were still in pampers, & as far as the amount of time I've been blessed to see them would add up to about a month in all, & I think I'm pushing it by saying that long.. & before anyone says well you could have went to were they were at & knocked on the door, & yeah, I guess in a way your right but at the same time I've been told I'm NOT welcome by ANY MEANS to darken there door step ever.. & that if I did there would be fights that would happen.. & I'm SORRY but I know when I was a kid even tho I DON'T get along with my Mother, if I had seen some man or someone fighting her I would have SNAPPED & went for blood & asked ?? later if at all.. I mean yeah right, that would be a great thing, the first time you see your Mom & Dad together there fighting on the ground like cats & dogs.. (& before you ask if I have EVER hit her, the answer is NO! NEVER! but at the same time I have been her punching bag a few times during the years.)

Trying to make the story a bit shorter again, sorry, please bare with me..
Through all these years, to the best that I know of the boys do NOT & have NOT lived with there Mother & supposedly don't want to. (was told to me by the Mother 1 night while we were talking because it had upset her & she didn't know how to deal with it.) They have lived with My Mother for a short time but because of how mine acts, thinks & treats people my child's Mother left to try to work things out with her Mother. To top off the whole story we (the child's Mother & I are both H.I.V.+ & I am whats called at the full blown stage of the Madness.. Since I know my time is running a bit short I moved back to IL. to try one last time & to try to get some things in order before I pass.. Come to find out I had been accepted for S.S.I. & I was also given S.S.D. (I filed for it back in "98" while still in Chicago, IL. but didn't know I had been accepted because of living problems. so once I moved down here a few months later I was given a back-pay check, & told I have to spend it all (except for 2 grand that I was allowed to keep on hand) before 2 years were up or it would cause some problems with any other checks I would be getting. So being told this & knowing that if I gave her any $$ it wouldn't have been spent on the boys I went & decided to make my home as comfortable as I could since I've never really had to much of anything I figured why not make my last days as comfortable as I could, (with the idea in mind that when I pass everything would be passed on to the boys) Now don't get me wrong the kids Mother isn't sitting on milk crates & card board or anything like that & nor am I now, but at the same time I'm NOT sitting on gold plated anything.. Well here I am sitting here lost & CONFUSED on what to do as far as this case & court (she has waited till now to take me to court for support & proof of parentage) & to be honest I'm at wits end about what to do as far as anything, all I want to do is spend what ever time I have left in peace finally.. (also with the hopes that she NEVER gets the chance to sit her EVIL ASS or use ANYTHING I have for the boys) I'm going to put it like this if she was on fire I wouldn't drip a drop of piss to put her out..
Can ANYONE show me some light or point me in the right way as far as what to do & how to better handle this MESS??
 
I forgot to add a a bit sorry

As far as where I'm living now it's low income housing, & I use my checks to BARELY get by.. I would like to at least have a idea of what the judge might say & what if anything can they take?
Thank you all again for your time in reading about my MESS..
 
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