How Much Time for Visitation ofrom OUR Vacation Plans?

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I have full physical and joint legal custody of my 7 year old son in Anchorage, Alaska. When he was 3, his Dad moved to Seattle. Our son accompanied him on the initial trip down, spent two weeks and was flown home. In the four years since, his Dad has come to Anchorage twice for short trips, centered around legal issues separate from our Custody Agreement. They were able to see each other for some dinners and on one trip, a few overnights. All other communication (phone) has been sporadic, at best, sometimes going months without speaking. then months without contact again after that.

In the seven years that I have been single parenting, we have yet to travel out of state together. I'm saving to bring my son to meet my family, who live North of Seattle. I will have under 7 days to enjoy our first vacation together.

My Question: How much time am I obligated to give of our 7 days to his Dad? IT seems unfair that if we were going to Disneyland, we'd have a full week together, but if I take him to see family, which are within driving distance, I will be expected to leave him with his Dad for part of our vacation time. I think it would be heartless to neglect an opportunity for a visit of some kind, but how do I avoid losing precious vacation days after 7 years of none? It's going to be an issue, I assure you. My ex feels I should be financially facilitating regular visits anyway...something that is laughable as I cannot make ends meet as it is without my family's support.

Some insist I owe no time from our vacation, some say I would need to provide half. My ex thinks that I owe him all the Wednesday and weekend days he's missed by choosing to move out of state to him anyway, and keeps a running tally.

Advice?
(thank you in advance)
 
I have full physical and joint legal custody of my 7 year old son in Anchorage, Alaska. When he was 3, his Dad moved to Seattle. Our son accompanied him on the initial trip down, spent two weeks and was flown home. In the four years since, his Dad has come to Anchorage twice for short trips, centered around legal issues separate from our Custody Agreement. They were able to see each other for some dinners and on one trip, a few overnights. All other communication (phone) has been sporadic, at best, sometimes going months without speaking. then months without contact again after that.

In the seven years that I have been single parenting, we have yet to travel out of state together. I'm saving to bring my son to meet my family, who live North of Seattle. I will have under 7 days to enjoy our first vacation together.

My Question: How much time am I obligated to give of our 7 days to his Dad? IT seems unfair that if we were going to Disneyland, we'd have a full week together, but if I take him to see family, which are within driving distance, I will be expected to leave him with his Dad for part of our vacation time. I think it would be heartless to neglect an opportunity for a visit of some kind, but how do I avoid losing precious vacation days after 7 years of none? It's going to be an issue, I assure you. My ex feels I should be financially facilitating regular visits anyway...something that is laughable as I cannot make ends meet as it is without my family's support.

Some insist I owe no time from our vacation, some say I would need to provide half. My ex thinks that I owe him all the Wednesday and weekend days he's missed by choosing to move out of state to him anyway, and keeps a running tally.

Advice?
(thank you in advance)

You owe him what is in the court order regarding custody or visitation.
If no such order exists, you owe him NOTHING.
That said, you might discuss things with the child.
You aren't required to consult the child, but some people like to loop their kids into everything.

Bottom line, if you and the kid's father weren't ever married, and no visitation order exists, you owe the kid's father, NOTHING.
Unmarried males who procreate, must go to court and establish their paternity before they can seek visitation.

If you and the father were married, and are now divorced, the visitation/custody issues should have been addressed during the divoirce.

Either way, if no visitation order exists, any visit a the alleged father receives is entirely up to you and on your terms.
You aren't required (absent a court order) to allow your child to visit with legal strangers.

You have many things to consider, and you should take the time to decide what you wnat to do.

No one is the boss of you or your kid.
You are the queen in your home, and you rule your domain your way!!!
 
The answer lies in your custody agreement. What does it say about visits with dad and who pays for them? How much time is Dad asking for?
 
I agree with Elle, your custody agreement should spell these things out. Most that I've seen state that the parents will share the cost for the child to travel for their visitation time. In two cases I'm very familiar with, each parent pays for one leg of the trip. But definitely check to see what it says in your custody agreement, that should be the final word on how much time, if any, you are obligated to allow.
 
This isn't exactly about his visitation. We do have perimeters in place for that, though they were agreed on before he chose to move to another state. For now, whenever he inserts what I "owe" him in terms of financially making his current visitation plan happen, I tell him I am adhering to the plan in place, and if he wants to make changes, he should try to do so through the court.

My question is, if I take my son on OUR vacation, out of state (which of course I'm legally required to inform him of), and the place I happen to be taking our son to, is near his Dad...am I obligated to sacrifice our vacation days for him to be with his Dad? I'm happy to buy a plane ticket that can be adjusted so he can keep him for his own visitation, then fly him home on his dime...meaning, I'm paying for my son to get there, and back, but he pays to escort him home...but I don't want to lose precious days of "vacation" time catering to my ex and his assertion that he's owed half the time we're down there.
 
It all depends on the custody agreement. For example, if he gets visitation every Wednesday night for 4 hours(for example) then vacation or not, if he comes to pick up your son on Wednesday night of your vacation week, then he has that right. If gets every odd Wednesday, and it's NOT an odd Wednesday then he has no right to that day. You don't owe him any time that he has missed.

Otherwise what you are telling him is correct, he can go to court to try and make any changes he wishes.
 
And when he "asserts that he's owed half the time" ask him to point you to the particular chapter and verse in the custody agreement.
 
This isn't exactly about his visitation. We do have perimeters in place for that, though they were agreed on before he chose to move to another state. For now, whenever he inserts what I "owe" him in terms of financially making his current visitation plan happen, I tell him I am adhering to the plan in place, and if he wants to make changes, he should try to do so through the court.

My question is, if I take my son on OUR vacation, out of state (which of course I'm legally required to inform him of), and the place I happen to be taking our son to, is near his Dad...am I obligated to sacrifice our vacation days for him to be with his Dad? I'm happy to buy a plane ticket that can be adjusted so he can keep him for his own visitation, then fly him home on his dime...meaning, I'm paying for my son to get there, and back, but he pays to escort him home...but I don't want to lose precious days of "vacation" time catering to my ex and his assertion that he's owed half the time we're down there.


It wouldn't be wise to pay for things the order doesn't require you to to fund.
If you do pay for the child's transportation to place X, and he doesn't have the money to pay to fly thye kid back to you, you'll be paying twice.
Or, he might just decide not to return the kid to you.
He and the kid will be in another state.
Can you imagine how difficult it'll be and how long it'll take to get the kid back?
Its always a great risk to have the travel from one state to the other, especially if the relationship between the parents is rocky.
 
It all depends on the custody agreement. For example, if he gets visitation every Wednesday night for 4 hours(for example) then vacation or not, if he comes to pick up your son on Wednesday night of your vacation week, then he has that right. If gets every odd Wednesday, and it's NOT an odd Wednesday then he has no right to that day. You don't owe him any time that he has missed.

Otherwise what you are telling him is correct, he can go to court to try and make any changes he wishes.

That seems fair.

It certainly isn't that I don't want them to see each other, I just want to have as much time as possible with my family, who I haven't been able to afford to get us to visit since my son was born. But also, my son has serious anxiety and hasn't seen his Dad in a couple years...his therapist is super worried about just jumping into overnights in unfamiliar surroundings...plus a third party supervision is in the current order...something he insists is no longer necessary (medical issues), but I don't know that it's true.

At this point, I'M the one feeling the anxiety, and I'm supposed to be planning a fun vacation!
 
It wouldn't be wise to pay for things the order doesn't require you to to fund.
If you do pay for the child's transportation to place X, and he doesn't have the money to pay to fly thye kid back to you, you'll be paying twice.
Or, he might just decide not to return the kid to you.
He and the kid will be in another state.
Can you imagine how difficult it'll be and how long it'll take to get the kid back?
Its always a great risk to have the travel from one state to the other, especially if the relationship between the parents is rocky.

Great advice. It's so difficult to know the best risks to take for the sake of my son feeling secure about his Dad's place in his life. There is precious little I actually have control over...one thing he's constantly mad about is that I won't just drop my kid on a plan to fly by himself. In his teens, that makes more sense...if he's comfortable with it, but with my son's diagnosed anxiety, he is terrified of the whole plan...and upset that he's disappointing his Dad, and terrified to discuss it (I assured him he doesn't have to, that his Dad and I will work it out)...in the end, nothing happens regarding his weeks of visitation anyway...but this trip is different...I don't want to cave to his demands, I want to offer what is fair to them, and comfortable for my son.
 
That seems fair.

It certainly isn't that I don't want them to see each other, I just want to have as much time as possible with my family, who I haven't been able to afford to get us to visit since my son was born. But also, my son has serious anxiety and hasn't seen his Dad in a couple years...his therapist is super worried about just jumping into overnights in unfamiliar surroundings...plus a third party supervision is in the current order...something he insists is no longer necessary (medical issues), but I don't know that it's true.

At this point, I'M the one feeling the anxiety, and I'm supposed to be planning a fun vacation!

See, that's why you must read, reread, and reread the ENTIRE order until you know it like you know your own life.
If parts of the order are unclear, take it to an attorney and have it explained to you.
You can't obey what you don't fully understand, and you can't make sure the other party does, if you don't understand the order in its entirety.

Does the order limit the visits with dad to your city, county, state, or within so many miles of your residence?

It isn't all that common to order weekly, one or two day visits (in the middle of the week during the school year) requiring the child to travel from 1,000, 2,000, or 4,000 miles round trip to accommodate some adult's whim. I didn't say it never happens, I'm sure it does, but it certainly isn't in the best interest of the child. Besides, what parent would force such an imposition upon a child they claim to love?

Simply put, its never wise to alter the order in any manner, shape, or form.
Such acts of kindness and/or fairness are often used against you in later court battles.
This is your vacation with your child.
If I were you, I wouldn't tell my former spouse anything about my travel plans.
I'd simply enjoy the vacation with my child and family.

If the visits are to be supervised for dad and son, dad is required to pay the social worker to monitor the visit.
At any rate, he'd not get anytime from this vacation you;ve bene planning for three or four years.

Enjoy your time with your kid, and ignore that creepy guy.
 
See, that's why you must read, reread, and reread the ENTIRE order until you know it like you know your own life.
If parts of the order are unclear, take it to an attorney and have it explained to you.
You can't obey what you don't fully understand, and you can't make sure the other party does, if you don't understand the order in its entirety.

Does the order limit the visits with dad to your city, county, state, or within so many miles of your residence?

It isn't all that common to order weekly, one or two day visits (in the middle of the week during the school year) requiring the child to travel from 1,000, 2,000, or 4,000 miles round trip to accommodate some adult's whim. I didn't say it never happens, I'm sure it does, but it certainly isn't in the best interest of the child. Besides, what parent would force such an imposition upon a child they claim to love?

Simply put, its never wise to alter the order in any manner, shape, or form.
Such acts of kindness and/or fairness are often used against you in later court battles.
This is your vacation with your child.
If I were you, I wouldn't tell my former spouse anything about my travel plans.
I'd simply enjoy the vacation with my child and family.

If the visits are to be supervised for dad and son, dad is required to pay the social worker to monitor the visit.
At any rate, he'd not get anytime from this vacation you;ve bene planning for three or four years.

Enjoy your time with your kid, and ignore that creepy guy.

I know my order inside and out. But it was written without consideration on one of us moving out of state. He moved four years ago. No changes have been made. The 3rd party must be a "mutually agreed upon" person. It's always been his girlfriend, who loves my son and is a responsible, healthy person. I'm fine with her supervising. We're also required (by the order) to notify the other in writing, with a itinerary, 30 days prior to taking our child out of state. So he has to know we're coming. Truthfully, at age 7, I'm sure my son would be heartbroken not to see his Dad when we're so close. I'd just prefer it be an afternoon or day out with his girlfriend, or some such thing...one day. That seems reasonable to me considering all the particulars. My ultimate fear is that down the line, in front of the judge, it would come back to haunt me if I didn't arrange for them to see one another...that I'd be painted as heartless. I'm in VERY good standing with our judge, something my ex can't claim. I don't want to risk that. EVER.
 
I know my order inside and out. But it was written without consideration on one of us moving out of state. He moved four years ago. No changes have been made. The 3rd party must be a "mutually agreed upon" person. It's always been his girlfriend, who loves my son and is a responsible, healthy person. I'm fine with her supervising. We're also required (by the order) to notify the other in writing, with a itinerary, 30 days prior to taking our child out of state. So he has to know we're coming. Truthfully, at age 7, I'm sure my son would be heartbroken not to see his Dad when we're so close. I'd just prefer it be an afternoon or day out with his girlfriend, or some such thing...one day. That seems reasonable to me considering all the particulars. My ultimate fear is that down the line, in front of the judge, it would come back to haunt me if I didn't arrange for them to see one another...that I'd be painted as heartless. I'm in VERY good standing with our judge, something my ex can't claim. I don't want to risk that. EVER.


Play it safe, visit a lawyer or two, ask them your questions.
I think you'll be very surprised and pleased as to what you'll learn.
Most lawyers will meet with you initially for no charge.
Good luck, and please share with us any new knowledge.
 
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