ex sending patronizing and demeaning emails

Hello,

My ex is recently back in our son's life after being forced to pay child support since racking up 17k in arrears for refusing to pay. We went to court and he now has specific parenting time and a Skype call every saturday. He lives in California and did not buy her plane ticket for his visit over spring break, nor has he purchased her summer ticket yet. He also is never available for the scheduled skype call... and I mean never. He says they are his "right" but that he's not ordered to do them... so basically he wants me on call for his whims.... because I know if he ever didn't get "his" way, he would throw a fit with all sorts of insults and threats.

Since coming back into our sons life in the last six months (on paper), he has sent many disrespectful, patronizing and demeaning emails. He will say things like "I'm so proud of you for being a better mother, last year was rough for you" (last year was fine?) call me "young lady" and tell me to "stop bitching" when I ask him to communicated about his plans to skype or visit so we are not on call for him for nothing. I have reminded him that respectful communication is in our order but he continues with his jabs and condescention. He has no place to talk to me this way, as he's an alcoholic who barely graduated high school... how can I get him to stop?

He is correct that he does not have to take advantage of his rights. You can ignore his emails and delete them without reading, or obtain a new email address for yourself and do not give it to him. You cannot change his behavior. You can change yours.

Agreed. Just ignore the emails and don't take the bait. Comply with the plan when asked but he is correct that he is not legally obligated to use every opportunity given.

I understand... it just seems unbalanced that we have to arrange our schedule, including turning down opportunities which would benefit our son, because we are tethered to a computer for a Skype call that never happens, and he refuses to communicate that it won't.

Susan76 said:

I understand... it just seems unbalanced that we have to arrange our schedule, including turning down opportunities which would benefit our son, because we are tethered to a computer for a Skype call that never happens, and he refuses to communicate that it won't.

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Skype can be done on any mobile device, a tablet, a smartphone, or a laptop; all of which are devices that can be transported where you are.
They all will connect wirelessly.
In the 21st century, the device tethers to you, you no longer have be tethered to your home.

Your child appears to be a younger child, so why not negotiate to reset the contact time for about an hour or two before the child's bedtime?
Or, go back to court and amend the skype time so that if your internet connection is out, or if he fails to call within 15 minutes of the scheduled time, the call will be cancelled.
Don't just do it, request the court to allow it to be done.

There is no problem between people that doesn't have a solution or a workaround!

You are only an hour ahead during the standard time, and now that daylight savings time has arrived, you're both on the same time zone.

True... we can Skype from my phone and have attempted to skype with him from it before.... when his excuse was that he "worked for a living" and therefore couldn't skype at 3 pm I asked him whend a better time would be and then his excuse changed to "I have a bad home Internet connection and I'm in a contract." So I reminded him of wifi and sent him the address of the local library, reminding him that our son is disappointed each time he doesn't follow through.... got a nasty response after that. It's a classic case of him not wanting to be in our sons life except as "punishment" for getting the support enforced. There us no true desire or follow through by him for the child, only jabs and inconvenience for me.

When it comes to child custody and exes, things are seldom fair and balanced. If waiting for a call that doesn't come is the worst you have to deal with, you're doing really good. Of course you can always take a chance and not be there for the call, but if he does call then that gives him something against you.

Susan76 said:

True... we can Skype from my phone and have attempted to skype with him from it before.... when his excuse was that he "worked for a living" and therefore couldn't skype at 3 pm I asked him whend a better time would be and then his excuse changed to "I have a bad home Internet connection and I'm in a contract." So I reminded him of wifi and sent him the address of the local library, reminding him that our son is disappointed each time he doesn't follow through.... got a nasty response after that. It's a classic case of him not wanting to be in our sons life except as "punishment" for getting the support enforced. There us no true desire or follow through by him for the child, only jabs and inconvenience for me.

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Make it easy on yourself.
I offered you a suggestion to go back to court.
That WILL solve the problem, and no one gets hurt.
If I were you, I'd seek to modify the weekly visits by allowing telephone calls or Skype.

So, here's how to FIX it, or at least reduce the pain.

Document his failures to call.
The documentation MIGHT be useful one day.
Make sure you maintain accurate records, and provide PROOF of his failures to make the Skype calls.
Also include his failure to provide a ticket for his spring break visit.
You do nothing with teh documentation, but its available JUST IN CASE!!!


You can use the FREE time (because he'll never disappoint you and call) to watch a movie, do homework, or some other fun activity with the child.
In essence, use the time for you and the child to have fun.
It'll be 99.999% a sure thing, and without his unwanted interruptions.

If he calls, be excited for the kid, pretend to care because the kid probably cares.

WIN-WIN-WIN all around.

You need to learn how to co parent and get along for sake of child. You dont have to like each other or even agree on lifestyles. You do whats best for child not other! You might seek parenting classes for both you. Court can advise you there. You can also as stated ignore the emails etc much you might with some random person doing it. I can also suggest link below (parentnook hosted by this site) where you can talk to other parents who likely have had similar situations as this isnt that much of a legal issue

If you are telling junior he must stay home and not attend that birthday party or play a sport because his dad might call, all the while knowing he will not and if he does, you just have to hand junior the phone, the kid is going to build up some massive resentment- towards you.

I have to agree that hounding him about calling is a bad idea. He is a big boy and can figure it out or not on his own. Nagging him just invites criticism and creates a divide that only hurts your kid. If he doesn't call, it is no different than it has been before. Honestly, his emails don't sounds all that terrible, or even worth complaining about. If the worse thing he does is try to empathize and praise your strides as a mother and use common pet names you just don't like, you are lucky. You nag, he jabs, kid loses.