Domestic Violence History

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Newmom

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I'm going to apologize in advance that this is such a lengthy post. I'm not yet financially ready to see a lawyer.
I was 17, in my first year of college (finished high school early) and working at a restaurant. One of my coworkers, who was 27, and I exchanged numbers through friends that we worked with. We expressed an interest in each other. We never saw each other outside of work, or had physical contact of any kind during work.
Fast forward to the month I turned 18. I was moving with my mother to another town, but finishing out my last couple weeks at the restaurant. He asked me out, we spent time together outside of work, and by the time I moved into the new town we were making things official. I was 18, he was 28.
A few months later, during my summer vacation, we got an apartment. I dropped my classes because I couldn't pay the bills. We started fighting, he started showing signs of control issues. I was questioned if I put on make up, I had to delete social media, was only allowed to have a few contacts in my phone: my mother, him, his mother, my doctor, he always had to have access to my phone, and had to know what I was doing at all times.
A couple weeks into this I expressed to my mother I was having some self esteem issues. Right after this conversation I was in a store and a man asked me on a date. I politely declined then texted my mom something like, "lol, tell me why someone just asked me on a date". She replied "lol".
The next morning, when he went through my phone and saw these texts he became angry. I explained to him what happened, he yelled and left for work. Later that night, he brought the subject up and started throwing insults in about how stupid I was, how it was no wonder I couldn't handle college, etc. I cried and he yelled to stop and how I was acting like a five year old. He grabbed my face and dug his fingernails in my cheek and neck, squeezing. I stopped crying and when he was finished yelling and let me go, I made my way to bed and silently cried myself to sleep.
A week later I had my positive pregnancy test. I was scared, but the desire to do right by the child made me convince myself, if I could just be better, he may get better too. I was wrong, of course. The screaming became worse. At first I tried fighting back, telling him that he should listen to himself speak, trying to explain what impact stress might have on a fetus. The things he would say are things I would never wish for my worst enemy to hear from someone. My defense turned into desperateness and by the time I was a month pregnant I was regularly left holding in tears so I wouldn't be yelled at more, with bruises on my neck and face. When he was calm I would try to talk to him about the abuse. He would ask me "have I ever HIT you in the face?" I would have to say no... I wanted to tell him that twisting my arm, cutting my face, squeezing my neck, those hurt just as bad. Once when I lost my keys, it turned into an argument about how immature I was and he tried to back hand me. I was less than 2 months pregnant. I was sitting on the edge of the bed and brought my knees to my chest and tucked my face down. He ended up back handing the side of my leg and a welt shaped like a hand print appeared. Multiple times in public, he grabbed my face or head and squeezed. Once when we were in a parked car he did this, and I hit the sides of his arms to make him stop. He let go of my face, but grabbed my arm and twisted it while pushing it behind my back. I heard it pop and could feel things stretch. When he let go he got out of the car and started walking home, about a 5 minute walk. I saw people staring at me. They then walked past like nothing happened. It was several minutes before I was able to move my arm again.
I returned home with a different mindset. I discreetly started moving my belongings into my car and bags. A few days later while he was playing video games, I opened the bedroom window, threw all my bags out of it, crawled out, got in my car and drove to my mothers.
He called and texted, one hour it would be about how "psycho" I was for leaving. The next hour it would be about how much he loved me and how I needed to come back. He left me voicemails about how I was probably with another man (I was at my mothers, sleeping on a couch). A week later I got my first doctor bill that was $500. I texted him asking for help. (I quit the job that we both worked at a couple weeks earlier, because he would hurt me there, and no one ever saw anything except 1 girl, who quit a week after. The managers thought I cried for no reason and were losing patience with me.) he replied and told me yes, he would help, as soon as I was "back in his arms" and "living in our home again" he would help me. I was disgusted.
I hired movers to get my things from the apartment. When we showed up with the truck he was there. I went inside with the movers and he yelled that I needed to leave and I didn't even pay rent (My name WAS on the lease, I had payed one month out of the two and a half months we'd lived there). When the movers weren't in the room he would walk around me, spit on me, mumble about how stupid I was, when the movers would come back in the main room he would call me a whore.
When we were done moving I tried to do a walk through to make sure I had everything. He was on the phone with someone, telling them loudly about how pathetic I was and how I was "inspecting" the apartment that wasn't even mine. He continued spitting on me. I looked at him and asked him to stop. He reached out, pulled my shirt away from my chest and flicked a cigarette down into my bra area. I started crying and he yelled about what a baby I was. I left and cried the whole way back to my mother's.
The next day I visited the police station of the town our apartment was in. I told an officer everything. Police men stood in the doorway listening to my story. He asked me to write down what I could. I did but I wish I had written more. I was shaking and exhausted and wanted it to be done. He explained to me that if they arrested him, it would be my word against his and I would have to face him in court. I told him that I'd taken one short video of his screaming while my phone was hidden in my pocket, and I had one photo of my face from one of the times he had squeezed it but the officer didn't seem interested in those. We agreed to not press charges because of how traumatized I was and instead just filed a report.
I spent the next 2 weeks alone, and training for a new stay at home job I'd received. One of my male friends who I'd known since I was 15, who also knew my ex, messaged me on Facebook, which I had recreated, asking what happened. I told him a briefly of how there had been abuse, I was pregnant and I'd left. He consoled me and offered to take me out somewhere in the future if I started to feel cooped in at home. I denied his offer but thanked him for consoling me. Through mutual friends, my ex somehow heard of the conversation, and the texting and calling became vicious again (I still wasn't replying). I felt like a shell. I changed my number and wiped my phone clean.
3 days later, I checked my professional email account and he sent me a message. I don't know how he found this email. He talked about how "disappointed" in me he was. And how we were a family, how I had put him $2500 in debt and we had bills to pay (the fee for breaking the apartment lease, which I had gone to the leasing office and formally broke, but did NOT equal 2500 dollars) and how he "hoped all was well". I felt like no matter what I did he found a way to contact me. I replied begging him to stop contacting me and told him that I was paying my half of the fees. That was it. Then I deleted the account.
He knows where my mother's house is but has not shown up here. I have not gotten a protection order. I started to file for one and couldn't do it. I was terrified and couldn't handle facing him in court.
My mother lives in her boyfriend's home, and I'm thankful that I can stay here but I feel I have no support system. The one time I tried to talk to an old friend, mentioned before, he immediately new and I was verbally punished for it. I feel that no one is here to protect me and I'm the only one here to protect my child.
When I moved my furniture, he left me with a promise that I would have the best lawyers that his mother's money (!!) could buy on my doorstep the day after my due date. That he would file for child support so the courts would see him as responsible. That he would fight until the day he dies to limit every maternal right I have. And that he would pray every day that I would die a slow and painful death during child birth.
I've tried contacting my provider for text histories but they couldn't help me. All I have is a police report, one picture, and one short video taken with a phone that was hidden in my pocket.
He moved back in with his parents after I left. His sister, sister's boyfriend, sister's son, grandmother, mother and father live in one house. He doesn't have his own room or bed there. His sister does drugs, I once found a narcotic pill lying with her son's chalk in the garage. They have two large dogs who have bit multiple people in the house. I have almost payed my half of the apartment fees. To my knowledge he's payed none and I'll likely end up paying it all, along with medical bills I have from before being put on Medicaid a couple weeks ago.
I'm both terrified and amazed by the love that I feel for my child and the desire I have to protect him or her. I'm almost 5 months pregnant. I worry about when my ex files for custody. I have night terrors and I often watch my windows to see if his car is outside. I don't want child support from him, I don't want or need help from him. But I need to know if I'll one day have to hand my child to this man. I feel like the law is going to allow the man who beat me to continue playing a role in my life. I felt like this man somehow found a way to make me his property, and he will do everything he can to control me. I feel like there's nothing I can do to protect myself and my child from him.
 
If you believe you are being battered, abused, harmed, or molested; immediately call "911" and get teh police involved.

If you are being verbally insulted, bullied, or psychologically harmed contact any of a number of battered women's shelters.

Here are few in your state, and you can use any search engine to find more, maybe a few blocks away from your home.
Don't wait, do it today, these bullies, brutes, savages never stop. Things will only get worse.
Get out now!!!!

http://www.actionohio.org/ohiodvshelter.htm

http://literacy.kent.edu/Oasis/abuse/bycounty.html

http://www.thejusticeleagueohio.org/domestic-violence-shelters

http://choicescolumbus.org/blog/

http://www.womenshelters.org/sta/ohio
 
Thank you for the links. But I've already left, gotten away, and now I fear the day that I give birth and he comes after me for custody.
Will the man who beat me while I was pregnant be able to get custody rights to the child?
 
Thank you for the links. But I've already left, gotten away, and now I fear the day that I give birth and he comes after me for custody.
Will the man who beat me while I was pregnant be able to get custody rights to the child?

If the beater does get custody rights, it won't be for a couple years.
Most of these beaters don't want some kid burdening them down, cramping their beater style.
The beater might try to get visitation, so what?
That rarely happens, as long as you avoid him, he won't worry about you.
Normally courts recognize that new born babies require time to be with the mother for many medical reasons, IF the couple has uncoupled.
In your case, focus on bringing a healthy baby into the world and keeping you healthy.
Once baby is here, just be a great mom, and do the best you can for your baby.
If you're doing great, it'll be very hard for the beater to get anything but visitation.
If I were you, don't worry about that.
After the beater's victim has left, he seeks another victim.
He doesn't care about kids, just beating women.
So, stay healthy and have a healthy baby.
Don't stress over the beater, he's not worried about you.
 
Thank you so much. I have too much time to think, and get myself worked up imagining him getting joint custody and taking my child for days at a time and losing his patience with the babe like he did with me. Then my baby not being able to even tell me what happened.
You made me feel better about it. Thank you.
 
I skimmed most of your post as it is totally irrelevant as far as his legal rights and paternity are concerned. Bottom line is you picked the wrong guy, stayed far too long, and then got pregnant. This guy is going to have the legal right to visitation and can file for joint custody. If he abuses the child, obviously you need to report it to the police and CPS and file for a modification. He is just as much this child's parent as you are. There is no guarantee he will want custody in reality and as AJ pointed out, babies and kids cramp one's style. No one here can guess what he will do but baby hasn't even been born yet. I'd sit tight and not worry about it too much until he actually files to establish paternity and custody.

Meanwhile, you need to focus on yourself. Get yourself some counseling because you need to start making much better choices pronto as well as build some self respect and self esteem. You are also going to need professional help managing this guy who you are now and forever linked to, by virtue of having a baby together. Even if he walks off the face of the earth tomorrow, his existence is going to be felt. That isn't something a scared teenager with a history of unstable relationships should tackle alone.
 
Even though you are living with mom and away from this abuser, you are definitely suffering mentally. I suggest you investigate a local support group of formerly battered woman to hang out with. To be blunt, you need someone who has been there to hold your hand.
 
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