16 yr old sexting

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njbound

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Thanks in advance for your help.

Yesterday I was contacted by a woman (who lives in the same town as I do) who told me that when she confiscated her daughter's cell phone, she found that my 16 year old son had been "sexting" with her daughter this weekend (May 28/29), and one of these texts was a picture of his penis. She came over to my house to show me the texts. Here's a summary of some things that may or may not be relevant:

* My son is 16, turning 17 at the end of June.
* Her daughter is 15 and is considered a "troubled teen"...she attends a special school for girls who act out because they have personal problems.
* The girl was simultaneously 'sexting' about 5 other guys, one of whom the mother tells me is a 38 yr old man.
* The mother was extremely nice, we had a lovely conversation, we know some of the same people (for better or worse), and it was clear that she had no intention of doing anything about this, other than sending her daughter back to school (she was here for the holiday weekend), and asking me to please speak to my son about the fact that his behavior is inappropriate.
* One of the pictures my son texted was of the upper half of his body and his face is showing. The other is only of his penis, so it's impossible to tell whose penis it actually is (although i have no reason to doubt it's my son's!)

MY CONCERN is what happens if this woman changes her mind about letting the issue go and/or someone convinces her to make this an issue. My son will obviously be receiving a very stern conversation about "consequences" from me. That said, he's a teenager, he doesn't engage in deviant behavior (i honestly believe 'sexting' is pretty standard for teenagers, and while i'd like him to show some class, there's only so much about 'class' you can teach a 16 yr old), he doesn't get into trouble, he's really quite normal, and he's a boy so it's not surprising that he thinks with his penis. However, none of this may be relevant when it comes to the eyes of the law.

SO my question is...do I have anything to (potentially) worry about here?

Thanks for your time.
 
Yes and no. The act was a crime yes but its not likely DA will puruse charges. No one can say for certain but since Mom doesnt appear to be leaning towards reporting this you should be at ease. You might talk to your son of the consequences of becoming a registered sex offender when you talk
 
thanks for responding jacksgal - especially on the holiday.

i spoke with my son and he was sufficiently freaked out and took it to heart.

just for my edification, is the crime that he sent something considered pornographic? are there other violations inherent in what he did?

thanks again
 
MY CONCERN is what happens if this woman changes her mind about letting the issue go and/or someone convinces her to make this an issue.

If she does then you can expect to be contacted by police. I imagine by now most jurisdictions have statutes that criminalize this behavior when it involves juveniles.

My son will obviously be receiving a very stern conversation about "consequences" from me. That said, he's a teenager, he doesn't engage in deviant behavior

Yes he does- you just saw proof.

(i honestly believe 'sexting' is pretty standard for teenagers, and while i'd like him to show some class, there's only so much about 'class' you can teach a 16 yr old)

You may not believe it is serious, but another parent may not agree, and the state legislature does not likely agree. You and he are quite fortunate the other parent did not blow a gasket and run to the police.

he doesn't get into trouble, he's really quite normal, and he's a boy so it's not surprising that he thinks with his penis.

Again, very fortunate a cooperative parent discovered the pictures. Had this troubled girl been picked up by the police for any reason and the police discovered the photos then your son might be looking at criminal charges. Saying that he thinks with his penis will not help him (though I understand what you mean) because typically it must be shown that the photos were sent with some sort of sexual motivation.

However, none of this may be relevant when it comes to the eyes of the law.

Correct. The severity of the matter would be decided by the court if it were to go that far, but your reasoning as a parent would not help one bit if he needed a legal defense.

SO my question is...do I have anything to (potentially) worry about here?

I would say so, yes. It sounds as if you are somewhat sympathetic to the situation and there will be minimal consequences... and not much reason for him to change his behavior. Personally, I would confiscate the phone, or possibly replace it with a generic model that does not have photo/Internet capability.
 
Just to insert somethng. Our girls (14 and 16) have a phone it cannot send or recieve data (pics) and up until recently could not even send or recieve text. If you choose to let him keep phone you might remove these functions
 
Yesterday I was contacted by a woman (who lives in the same town as I do) who told me that when she confiscated her daughter's cell phone, she found that my 16 year old son had been "sexting" with her daughter this weekend (May 28/29), and one of these texts was a picture of his penis. She came over to my house to show me the texts.
You are fortunate if she agrees to keep it between parents. She can always go to the police.

* My son is 16, turning 17 at the end of June.
* Her daughter is 15 and is considered a "troubled teen"...she attends a special school for girls who act out because they have personal problems.
* The girl was simultaneously 'sexting' about 5 other guys, one of whom the mother tells me is a 38 yr old man.
* The mother was extremely nice, we had a lovely conversation, we know some of the same people (for better or worse), and it was clear that she had no intention of doing anything about this, other than sending her daughter back to school (she was here for the holiday weekend), and asking me to please speak to my son about the fact that his behavior is inappropriate.
None of these are relevant and they do not vindicate your son in any way. Though, as I mentioned, you are extremely fortunate that the other mom is choosing to deal with this one on one rather than with the cops.

* One of the pictures my son texted was of the upper half of his body and his face is showing. The other is only of his penis, so it's impossible to tell whose penis it actually is (although i have no reason to doubt it's my son's!)
I doubt that will be difficult to ascertain. Besides, even if NOT his, if he sent it to her from his phone or email, he has committed a crime.

MY CONCERN is what happens if this woman changes her mind about letting the issue go and/or someone convinces her to make this an issue.
If she changes her mind you will be spending a lot of money on defense attorneys.

My son will obviously be receiving a very stern conversation about "consequences" from me. That said, he's a teenager, he doesn't engage in deviant behavior (i honestly believe 'sexting' is pretty standard for teenagers, and while i'd like him to show some class, there's only so much about 'class' you can teach a 16 yr old), he doesn't get into trouble, he's really quite normal, and he's a boy so it's not surprising that he thinks with his penis.
If this were MY son (and I have a house full of teenage boys) he would be grounded, would no longer have a phone (though I would have one I could give him when he was somewhere I permitted him to be, but it would have no photo send/receive capability). He would receive far more than a "stern conversation" tongue lashing from me.

However, none of this may be relevant when it comes to the eyes of the law.
Correct.

However, juvenile courts often like to see that some assertive and proactive discipline will occur at home. If they feel that the discipline at home will prevent any such deviance in the future, the court might be more willing to allow diversion or some other non-permanent resolution to the issue should it get to court. But, if the court sees no real change in the minor and parents who fail to come down hard enough on the child, the court may feel compelled to act assertively. Understand that this sort of criminal offense can result n his being a registered sex offender, so whatever action you take had best be stern enough to get this message across and to prevent any repeat from ever taking place so long as he is in your home.

SO my question is...do I have anything to (potentially) worry about here?
Potentially, yes.

If the other mom is satisfied with your actions, then you may get lucky and she will not contact the police. If her daughter is a troubled child and has been playing give and take with photos of her own, then she will likely not call the cops ... but, all it takes is for one loose tongue from her friends or someone else and the cops can be involved.
 
Another thought if Mom (not you) files complaint about the 30 something man who has sent pics the Police may take her phone as evidence. If that happens your son's actions will be revealed
 
agreed on most of those points, EXCEPT the "deviant" comment. perhaps i'm not using this term in a legal way and more of a layman way? if you think sexting or sending naked pics is NOT the standard, i think you are very mistaken. i'm not saying i approve or that i don't care...i'm just saying it happens amongst teens and not irregularly either.

i appreciate the legal feedback...i didn't want to seem rude when i posted and specifically ask for posters to abstain from editorial comments (he who casts the first stone, and all that...), but it seems that perhaps i should have. we all have our own way of parenting. personally, i am pretty pleased with the results, the occasional ignorant teenage misguided action notwithstanding.

it's interesting when you think about it. although ignorance is no excuse in the eyes of the law, i think you'd be hard pressed to find many 16 yr olds who understand that sexting could potentially lead to a sex offender record. you have all seen what the law can do...it's WHAT you do. but a 16 yr old who goes to school and flirts with girls (as they mostly all do) ... are we really supposed to incorporate this information into their curriculum? i mean...auditorium gatherings and programs about bullying are important (i have no idea what the legal consequences are of underage bullying, if any), but outlining the implications of flirting/sexting/transmitting images ... it seems that based on the potential consequences, it's just as, if not more important!

does that make sense? just thinking out loud... : )

thank you all again though!
 
You may not believe it is serious, but another parent may not agree, and the state legislature does not likely agree. You and he are quite fortunate the other parent did not blow a gasket and run to the police..

I never said i didn't believe it was serious, did i ? were you reading into something i wrote perhaps? yes, i am sympathetic...to my son who never gets into trouble, and for this mother who has far more trouble than i do when it comes to managing her child. i've worked with troubled teens...it is a stressful, difficult and very long road.

Personally, I would confiscate the phone, or possibly replace it with a generic model that does not have photo/Internet capability.

thanks, but believe it or not, despite this incident, i trust my son. he and i are very close relative to what i've observed in the rest of the population. his behavior lacked foresight (or even knowledge) of the potential consequences, but i don't believe it makes him anywhere close to a sexual deviant or aggressor. in my mind (the law notwithstanding) he is simply guilty of bad judgment and being horny. that said, our chat scared the living daylights out of him, which was partly my goal (in a loving mom sort of way...)
 
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agreed on most of those points, EXCEPT the "deviant" comment. perhaps i'm not using this term in a legal way and more of a layman way? if you think sexting or sending naked pics is NOT the standard, i think you are very mistaken. i'm not saying i approve or that i don't care...i'm just saying it happens amongst teens and not irregularly either.
I doubt that it is quite as common as you think. All the same, though I did not use it, the term "deviant" would still apply to an act that is outside the norms of acceptable behavior in the society.

it's interesting when you think about it. although ignorance is no excuse in the eyes of the law, i think you'd be hard pressed to find many 16 yr olds who understand that sexting could potentially lead to a sex offender record.
I think more of them know the consequences than you think. Many might use ignorance as an excuse, but they are teenagers ... teens tend to think they won't get caught, and tend to believe that they are charmed. Look at the numerous reckless habits teens are prone to engage in such as driving, drinking, sex, and other actions that are undertaken with an often cavalier and dismissive attitude.

you have all seen what the law can do...it's WHAT you do. but a 16 yr old who goes to school and flirts with girls (as they mostly all do) ... are we really supposed to incorporate this information into their curriculum?
In many states this sort of thing is incorporated in the curriculum in some way. Plus, at least out here, there is a good deal of PR on the issue.

So, if you want to stand a chance of potentially avoiding a permanent criminal record for your son, you had best consider cracking down hard so that this will not be repeated. If he gets the impression that you accept his actions and that your punishment is not disapproval but something you feel you must do, then the message to him will be that he can get away with anything, or that you will back his play if he can argue that it is "natural" in some way. This is not a case of "boys will be boys," this is a crime.
 
I doubt that it is quite as common as you think.

I work with teens - we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. In fact most parents don't believe their teen would be the one doing it, and a huge number are. So you do the math...


I think more of them know the consequences than you think.
Poll a group of 16 yr olds and you honestly think the majority of them know that sexting = possible sex offender record?? Really? I think you are soooo off base here. Nothing personal though.


Many might use ignorance as an excuse, but they are teenagers ... teens tend to think they won't get caught, and tend to believe that they are charmed. Look at the numerous reckless habits teens are prone to engage in such as driving, drinking, sex, and other actions that are undertaken with an often cavalier and dismissive attitude..

I dont believe ignorance is the excuse here at all...it's simply recklessness, bad judgment, and - like you said - a cavalier (i'm never going to die) attitude. That is not the same thing at all as "i plead ignorance".


If he gets the impression that you accept his actions and that your punishment is not disapproval but something you feel you must do, then the message to him will be that he can get away with anything, or that you will back his play if he can argue that it is "natural" in some way.

Again...you are making assumptions. About all of the above, including me as a parent, about my son, and about the nature of our relationship. Which is why I don't take it personally. If you want to make judgments based upon the law, that is your forte and I appreciate the input. Anything else is really just based on your own personal experiences in the world (your kids, your cases, etc), which is great - but have no basis in relevance to my own life and circumstances. I hope that makes sense.
 
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for your information both mightymoose and cdwjava are members of law enforcement and likely have a great deal more knowledge on how often teens act this way and what they know and dont know more than most
 
I was directed to this thread by a member who knows that I've been in this situation (in NJ). *I* got a phone call from the young lady's father, who made it very clear that my boy was to have no further contact with his daughter or he would be going to the authorities. I told him I would handle it, and I did. We had a serious "Come to Jesus" talk about sexting in general and his behavior in particular, what the potential consequences could be - legally AND personally. He was also pretty freaked.

I watched him text her a last time (with a copy to her father) to tell her that he was deleting all of her contact info and would appreciate it if she did the same. I then watched him delete all of her contact info from his phone, from email, from every social media site he was on. Now - he was good to his word. I know this because I monitored all of his activity closely for quite a while. SHE was the one who kept trying to contact him. I made a point of documenting those events AND let her father know.

Yes - sending pictures of his private bits could certainly be considered pornography - taken to an extra level if he sent it to a minor (and while age of consent here in NJ is 16, if the girl is <18, it is still an issue). He could end up being charged (and convicted of and spending time as a guest of the state) with providing porn to a minor and end up registering as a sex offender. He could lose any college funding he might be offered. He could find it difficult to get a job, especially if it involved children and/or any sort of security clearance. Etc.
 
Adults should not send pictures of their private parts to other adults.

Those adults could one day try to blackmail them.
Or, otherwise embarrass them.




That said, children or juveniles distributing pictures of their genitalia are asking for big trouble, too.

Parents should stop these budding perverts while they can.


Today's laws are tough on this type of behavior.

A person (adult or juvenile) convicted of these types of crimes will end up with a lifetime of woe and pain.




Just don't engage in this perverted, wretched behavior people.

No one wants to view your naughty, nasty bits; no one!
 
I would also strongly suggest that you heed CDW's input. He is very well informed, both from a legal and a parenting POV. Disregard it at your and your son's peril.
 
I work with teens - we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. In fact most parents don't believe their teen would be the one doing it, and a huge number are. So you do the math...
I also work with teens, was an educator before and since getting into law enforcement, have been a juvenile crimes investigator for more than a decade, and have a gaggle of my own teens. Perhaps my state is a little more ahead of the game than yours when it comes to these matters. Sexting has been rather high profile here for a few years.

Poll a group of 16 yr olds and you honestly think the majority of them know that sexting = possible sex offender record?? Really? I think you are soooo off base here. Nothing personal though.
Actually, yes.

Just asked three sitting here (one is my child) and all three knew that. The question is not whether they KNOW the penalties, but whether the penalties dissuade them from the behavior.

I dont believe ignorance is the excuse here at all...it's simply recklessness, bad judgment, and - like you said - a cavalier (i'm never going to die) attitude. That is not the same thing at all as "i plead ignorance".
But, when they are caught, they will say, "I didn't know." Happens all the time. Which is why we tend to go back and try and obtain additional texts, emails, or conversations with friends where the issue of right and wrong or criminal knowledge can come up. I have yet to find an instance of sexting where the minor was NOT aware that sexting was criminal ... but, I am sure there are a few - maybe many - I just have yet to come across one.

Again...you are making assumptions. About all of the above, including me as a parent, about my son, and about the nature of our relationship. Which is why I don't take it personally.
Actual, I did not. I wrote that IF he gets the impression that you accept his behavior that it may grant him a sense of entitlement or freedom to engage in similar behavior in the future. I did not say that you felt that way or imparted that to him. I encourage you to come down hard on him, but that is your decision to make, not mine. Hopefully he learns his lesson no matter what message is sent.
 
I never said i didn't believe it was serious, did i ? were you reading into something i wrote perhaps?

You did not say it, but gave that impression by minimizing his responsibility with the boys will be boys approach. I know this much- if it had been my daughter who received the photos from your son, your son would soon have a criminal record (possibly both of them). Hopefully it does not take that for either of them to realize the severity of their actions.



thanks, but believe it or not, despite this incident, i trust my son.

Was it Ronald Reagan that said "Trust, but verify"? That seems to be a sound approach.
 
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