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    Can my Ex keep my new Boyfriend away from our son?

    Jurisdiction / State: Pennsylvania

    To start from the beginning and to try and make it short and to the point... I have been Married for 3years and things have been going down hill for the last year. My husband is not emotional stable. He has bipolar and I have been trying to get us to go to Marriage counseling for 2 years now and he refused to go. Well on March 17 he emotionaly broke down because we had talked about getting a Divorce about 3month prior and it finally hit him. Well he was beating himself up and punching walls and I was very scared. Our son was sleeping so I went in the room with him and slept in his room for the night. The next day my husband took off of work because he had a headache from punching himself. I took my son to the park with some friends and my Mother. I talked with my mom and told her what had happened and that I thought it would be a good idea to stay at her place for a couple of nights to let things cool down. Mind you my husband was living at his sisters house for 3 weeks then decided to come back home on March 16. I let my husband know I was staying to let things calm down he was fine with it. While at my Moms I had gotten a call from my best friends who happened to be in jail and he called me to come pick him up that his fine was paid and they released him. We went and picked him up and he stayed at my moms for the day. My husband found out that he had gotten out of jail and he changed the locks to the house. he would not let me get clothes for me or my son and the police wouldnt help me at all. My husband told the landlord that I moved out on my own and she elegaly evicted me. I tried talking to her and she was going by his word. Everything I owned which was almost everything in our place I wasnt allowed to get. My husband and I talked about custody with our son and we already had an agreement from december that we were going by even tho we were living together. He said he was fine with it and just to keep it the same. Then I get a letter in the mail from the court house stating that he was fighting me for full custody. Mind you I have been a stay at home Mother for the past 2 years I have been the only one taking care or our son he just helped with the bills. Reason why he was fighting me was because he doesnt like my friend because of his criminal background. He told me that I screwed him ( with what I dont know ) that he wants to make me misrable and never to be happy agian. From the time on April to May my friend and I stating seeing eachother. Then he got put back in jail for violation of parol for not telling them his new address. They had his mothers address not the recovery hous ethey made him go to and he wasnt aware of that. Soo with him back in jail my husband now definetly doesnt want our son around him when he gets out. Hes not a bad guy hes not violant and he had a bad past that he got charges for 5 years ago and is still paying the price for it. Can my husband really say that my new boyfriend is never allowed around our son ever again?? When he gets out of jail he was moving in with me. I just dont know where I stand and my husband isnt doing it for our sons sake he just doesnt want me to be happy and I dont know what to do?? Is there any hope for me? Everyone deserves a chance and I would never put my son around someone that would harm me or him. my son is my world Id do anything for him. But am I not allowed to be happy??

    I dont need any rude comments or opinions I need advice there is a difference!! I want to know if there is anyone out there that can relate. Not to be judgmental!!

    Last edited by ButterflyWingz; 09-01-2010 at 04:09 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ButterflyWingz View Post
    To start from the beginning and to try and make it short and to the point... I have been Married for 3years and things have been going down hill for the last year. My husband is not emotional stable. He has bipolar and I have been trying to get us to go to Marriage counseling for 2 years now and he refused to go. Well on March 17 he emotionaly broke down because we had talked about getting a Divorce about 3month prior and it finally hit him. Well he was beating himself up and punching walls and I was very scared. Our son was sleeping so I went in the room with him and slept in his room for the night. The next day my husband took off of work because he had a headache from punching himself. I took my son to the park with some friends and my Mother. I talked with my mom and told her what had happened and that I thought it would be a good idea to stay at her place for a couple of nights to let things cool down. Mind you my husband was living at his sisters house for 3 weeks then decided to come back home on March 16. I let my husband know I was staying to let things calm down he was fine with it. While at my Moms I had gotten a call from my best friends who happened to be in jail and he called me to come pick him up that his fine was paid and they released him. We went and picked him up and he stayed at my moms for the day. My husband found out that he had gotten out of jail and he changed the locks to the house. he would not let me get clothes for me or my son and the police wouldnt help me at all. My husband told the landlord that I moved out on my own and she elegaly evicted me. I tried talking to her and she was going by his word. Everything I owned which was almost everything in our place I wasnt allowed to get. My husband and I talked about custody with our son and we already had an agreement from december that we were going by even tho we were living together. He said he was fine with it and just to keep it the same. Then I get a letter in the mail from the court house stating that he was fighting me for full custody. Mind you I have been a stay at home Mother for the past 2 years I have been the only one taking care or our son he just helped with the bills. Reason why he was fighting me was because he doesnt like my friend because of his criminal background. He told me that I screwed him ( with what I dont know ) that he wants to make me misrable and never to be happy agian. From the time on April to May my friend and I stating seeing eachother. Then he got put back in jail for violation of parol for not telling them his new address. They had his mothers address not the recovery hous ethey made him go to and he wasnt aware of that. Soo with him back in jail my husband now definetly doesnt want our son around him when he gets out. Hes not a bad guy hes not violant and he had a bad past that he got charges for 5 years ago and is still paying the price for it. Can my husband really say that my new boyfriend is never allowed around our son ever again?? When he gets out of jail he was moving in with me. I just dont know where I stand and my husband isnt doing it for our sons sake he just doesnt want me to be happy and I dont know what to do?? Is there any hope for me? Everyone deserves a chance and I would never put my son around someone that would harm me or him. my son is my world Id do anything for him. But am I not allowed to be happy??

    Are you serious?

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    Why not allow Dad to have full custody?

    Until the divorce is finalized Dad can indeed request a "no paramour" clause be added to any temporary orders; but you need to ask yourself if your boyfriend is worthing losing your son over.

    Frankly having boyfriend move in before you're divorce is a very bad idea.

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    Our Divorce will be over by the time he moves in. And of course my son comes first. Reason why not to give father full custody because I have been pretty much a single parent in our relationship he hasnt done anything with or for our son. He is very unstable and doesnt even know what our son eats. He knows nothing about him due to not being a real father and husband!! He also kicked me and our son out of our house with nothing!! We talked about 50/50 and It did take me awhile to agree to it but I did because its only fair for the both of us and he is starying to man up and become a Father. I just want to know if he can really keep my boyfriend away form our son if he has no reason except fo rhis bad past years ago. He hasnt comitted anymore crimes at all since then so is that legal that he can say he is never allowed around my son?? What if things go great between me and my new boyfriend and we want to have kids or be together im not allowed to??

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    It also depends on the nature of your boyfriends crimes. So, what did boyfriend do? When?

    The fact that you've been OK with Dad having 50/50 so far tells the court that you think he's fine as a parent and hence there's no reason, really, why Dad couldn't be primary custodian.

    Also - please understand that this is very new for your STBX; he's of course going to be very emotional and you're pretty much throwing your new bf in his face as well as (in your STBX's perception) basically trying to replace him as Dad.

    See it from HIS perspective.

    And don't bank on this divorce being quick and easy if your husband decides to fight...

    Non-legal advice:

    Seriously - think twice about even HAVING a boyfriend around your child until the divorce is finalized.

    It can REALLY complicate things. If you guys are intent on being together, waiting it out shouldn't be too hard, right?

    I mean you don't want to be introducing your child to a potential new "guy" every time you meet someone, do you?

    Have the boyfriend, by all means. Just keep him at least for now separate from kiddo.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ButterflyWingz View Post
    Our Divorce will be over by the time he moves in. And of course my son comes first. Reason why not to give father full custody because I have been pretty much a single parent in our relationship he hasnt done anything with or for our son. He is very unstable and doesnt even know what our son eats. He knows nothing about him due to not being a real father and husband!! He also kicked me and our son out of our house with nothing!! We talked about 50/50 and It did take me awhile to agree to it but I did because its only fair for the both of us and he is starying to man up and become a Father. I just want to know if he can really keep my boyfriend away form our son if he has no reason except fo rhis bad past years ago. He hasnt comitted anymore crimes at all since then so is that legal that he can say he is never allowed around my son?? What if things go great between me and my new boyfriend and we want to have kids or be together im not allowed to??



    YOU can't give your "soon to be ex-husband" permission to see HIS child or NOT to see his child.

    The decision will be rendered by a judge, after a hearing on the merits of this matter.

    You can ASK the judge to do as you want done, just as your "soon to be ex-husband" can ask.

    In the end, a judge will decide what either of you get.

    Know this, that for almost TWO DECADES, this is how you and your "soon to be ex-husband" will be forced to spend your lives and resources.

    Why do I say that?

    Because, if you can agree on things like this, it will make BOTH of your lives easier and happier.

    Beyond the two of you, however, it will also enrich the life of your child(ren).

    What will a judge say?

    How will a judge rule?

    The more responsible you are, the more interested in what is BEST for your child(ren) will inure to you receiving the desired outcome you seek.

    Bottom line, some excellent advice has been offered by Proserpina and others.

    These people are well versed on domestic issues and child custody.

    Many of them KNOW, because they've walked your path.

    Some have pioneered and persevered, thereby prospering today.

    They aren't unkind, uninformed, or mean.

    They are knowledgeable beyond a mere law degree.

    They have lived (some are still living) this difficult life.

    Ignore their cautions to your own peril and detriment.
    Last edited by army judge; 09-01-2010 at 08:04 PM.

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    The only reason why Im willing to give him 50/50 is because I dont have th money to go to trial and he doesnt want to pay child support and I said that was fine I didnt want his money but he says he doesnt trust me so that the only way he knows he doesnt ahve to pay. My boyfriend has a robery charge back when he was 19 he is now 26. He wont be getting out until this time next year anyway so he isnt around my son. He is a very good guy honestly its just my husband doesnt want me happy. Mind you he hasnt brought this up at all before, he just keep coming up with something new to make thinks more and more difficult. He says he doesnt want to go to trial and the reason I need to know where I stand and what I can do? We have nothing to fight over now that I got all my stuff I could fight him for things but I just want this to be over so the divorce will be or should be easy. Also my husband has a past with suicide and he owns a lot of guns. I have had it that he isnt allowed around me or my son with his guns due to him thretening me in the past!! I just want to know where I stand..........

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    Where you stand is on absolutely equal footing with your husband when it comes to your son.

    He has the exact same rights as you until a court determines otherwise.

    The suicide attempt (it was an attempt otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation at all) and the guns are probably not going to enter the equation unless you can prove that he's a risk to your child.

    Any police reports? independent confirmation that threats were made against you or the child? CPS involvement?

    I'm thinking no, which only solidifies my thoughts that you're both on equal footing.

    If you want this to be easy, don't give him any reason to be difficult.

    Realistically speaking the courts will not order that your boyfriend can't be around the child unless your husband actually show that your boyfriend represents a threat to the child's welfare.

    But again - think very carefully how you proceed.

    (OT - ArmyJudge, that was a very kind and thoughtful post you made and I thank you for it )

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    Have you spoken to other people that know your felon boyfriend? How do they say he is around children? Around women? How has he treated previous lovers?

    This guy has been put away for a VIOLENT FELONY and has apparently been institutionalized for the better part of the last 7 years. This presents a lot of red flags. You also have to understand that guys that have been institutionalized become master manipulators. They find someone they can use for housing, food, money, and other resources. If the new boyfriend was on the streets looking for work, then that's a good sign. if he was sponging off you and your family, that's not a good sign.

    Dad may very well have some good fodder if you intend to continue a life with this guy when he gets out.

    And shall we discuss the statistics on child abuse by parents' new lovers? On the impact the new relationship has on the children? And on domestic violence?

    As has been stated, you will have to adhere to whatever the judge says in the matter. you are on equal footing ... sort of. But, I'd say that the ground kinda tilts in dad's favor if you intend on playing house with a convicted, violent felon who has spent at least the better part of the last several years in custody or under the thumb of the state. And I'd be willing to be a year's salary that there is a prior criminal history as well. His history will not serve you or your child well.
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    Can my Ex keep my new Boyfriend away from our son?

    My God, my God, some people really know how to pick 'em!!!

    Suicidal maniacs, self batterers, emotionally unstable, and "upgrades" to armed robbers!!!

    Yeah, he's a "nice" guy, alright!!!

    I wonder if that's how his robbery victim feels today?

    Some of the "nicest" guys I know are convicted felons, especially armed robbers!!!!!

    I say this, having represented my share, and knowing what can't be said in open court before a jury.

    Yabba, dabba, doo, pshaw, poopoo!!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by army judge View Post
    My God, my God, some people really know how to pick 'em!!!

    Suicidal maniacs, self batterers, emotionally unstable, and "upgrades" to armed robbers!!!

    Yeah, he's a "nice" guy, alright!!!

    I wonder if that's how his robbery victim feels today?

    Some of the "nicest" guys I know are convicted felons, especially armed robbers!!!!!

    I say this, having represented my share, and knowing what can't be said in open court before a jury.

    Yabba, dabba, doo, pshaw, poopoo!!!
    No Noo thats not what I said my god I geuss people really know how to think the worst. Mind u im not saying he was right by any means. When he was 19 a friend of his broke in his car n stole money and cd player. In stead of him calling the cops he was stupid and wanted to get him back so he and his ex robbed NOT ARMED his so called friend n his girl friend. Needless to say his ex used the credit cards and they both got caught. He got sentanced to jail n his ex got probation bc she had a baby. Now I never said thats right of him but people make stupid mistakes and we move on! He isnt violant in any way! Everyone has a past and whether its bad or good depending on the bad we can put the past behind us if we learn from our mistakes!

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    Quote Originally Posted by ButterflyWingz View Post
    No Noo thats not what I said my god I geuss people really know how to think the worst. Mind u im not saying he was right by any means. When he was 19 a friend of his broke in his car n stole money and cd player. In stead of him calling the cops he was stupid and wanted to get him back so he and his ex robbed NOT ARMED his so called friend n his girl friend. Needless to say his ex used the credit cards and they both got caught. He got sentanced to jail n his ex got probation bc she had a baby. Now I never said thats right of him but people make stupid mistakes and we move on! He isnt violant in any way! Everyone has a past and whether its bad or good depending on the bad we can put the past behind us if we learn from our mistakes!
    Not armed, maybe, but robbery involves the taking of property through the use of force or fear - threats, brandishing, etc.

    And, just to point something out to you, virtually NO ONE gets prison for a first felony not involving weapons. I have never seen it in nearly 20 years on the job. So, I suspect there are details that you are not aware of, or a criminal history that is a wee bit more involved than you are aware.

    No matter, his presence in your life will give your ex a pretty big stick to beat you up with as it involves custody and visitation. Maybe not now, but when he gets out. And I again ask you to ask yourself whether he was contributing to finances for the short time he was free, or was he merely making excuses and living off you or your family?

    And understand it is EASY to stay out of jail while on parole/probation. All you have to do is follow the rules. The fact that he could not follow even the simple rules to let his P.O. know where he was makes me seriously wonder what he might be involved in, or what he is trying to pull.

    Maybe you should take a look at the official criminal history of ths guy:

    https://epatch.state.pa.us/Home.jsp

    Then ask yourself what is NOT showing from that record? Typically, criminal records represent convictions that are part of a plea ... they usually include far more serious allegations that are dropped so as to extract a plea deal, so understand there may be more than meets the eye.

    If you intend to hook up with a violent felon (and that IS what he was convicted of), learn all you can about him.

    Good luck.
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    Can my Ex keep my new Boyfriend away from our son?

    Millions of Americans have made mistakes, heck probably 99.99% of adults have made mistakes and hold regrets.

    However, fewer than 20% of our population are convicted felons.

    An even smaller number are convicted armed robbers.

    By the way, in case anyone wonders, fewer than 5% of first time felons get prison time. By the time a person gets prison time, they've been to a half dozen (or more) rodeos, cowboys and cowgirls!!!!

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